Imagine a dusty corner behind a dark wood door on a tile floor. Something has been forgotten back there. It’s broken and faded and covered in dust and car fur. The battery has probably exploded inside it.
It’s my bathroom scale.
I can’t remember how long ago I had decided not to step on it and if I had posted about it, but I know it’s probably only been about a month at the least. Ever since I stopped though I haven’t thought about it. I’ve barely given any thought to my weight or how big my waist and hips are. I haven’t worried about that at all.
I have been concerned about what I eat. Not all the time. I am just aware that I probably eat more sweets than I should be and that I need to cut down. I’m not obsessing about my calorie intake and I don’t worry about if I do a little less than an hour of exercise a day.
I was just sitting on the couch watching television and surfing Pinterest and I realized that I haven’t even thought about recovery and weight and my eating disorder in a long time. I’ve analyzed my disorder and come to a better understanding about it and really thought about how it affected and continues to affect me and my family but I haven’t sat and thought, “oh my goodness I’m so fat!” or, “I ate so much I’m going to gain a million pounds,” or, “I need to not eat,” or, “I’m worthless, I don’t deserve anything.”
Maybe it’s because I’ve been caught up planning my wedding. That might be part of it. My mind has just been somewhere else. My mind has been consumed by too many other things to bother thinking about my eating disorder. But then again, my mind always found time to think about my eating disorder before. No matter how many tests and social events I had coming up it always found time to bother me.
I’ve never successfully given up the scale before. I’ve never gone this long without using one.
I know I’m not recovered. I’m not perfect. I know I’m never going to be recovered. I’m just in a good place right now and I’m really happy about that. I’m really really happy about that. I’m focusing on health rather than my weight. I’m working out and watching my body grow stronger, not weaker. I’m watching myself make delicious, nutritious breakfasts in the morning. I’m buying things for myself instead of saving gift cards to buy gifts for other people. I’m taking care of myself and I feel great about it!
I’m hoping that this will keep up into college. I’m hoping that I can transition from home to college without any struggles. I’m hoping that while I’m in school I’ll be able to focus on my studies instead of my weight. My eating disorder never affected my grades and I hope it stays that way.
Since I’ve stopped weighing myself I don’t think about my weight. When I look in the mirror I’m looking for progress coming out of my exercise, and trust me there is a lot. I don’t freak out if there isn’t a huge amount. I’ve only been at it for 3 weeks, only 2 of them being successful since I had to go to my cousin’s wedding the middle of one, and I don’t expect to look like I’m about to go compete in a body building competition. I just look at myself and know that in a couple weeks it’ll look different from today in a good way.
I feel a lot better about myself right now. I feel happy. I’m focusing on being healthy and the wedding and moving out for college. I’m writing again and really enjoying it. I think everyone should get rid of their scale. It took me over 2 years but I did it! I would have to anyway since there won’t be a scale in college I can use, but it just feels better knowing I did it when I had a choice to use it and not when I don’t because then I don’t think it would matter. I think then I would still worry about my weight.