I Can’t Love My Body

I haven’t wanted to blog very much lately because I don’t have too many positive things to say. My future in-laws hosted an engagement part on Friday.

It was a lot of fun and the cupcakes (inspired by Pinterest) that my future father-in-law made were delicious. It was great to see my friends again, since I hadn’t seen them since graduation. We’ll have to get together more before the summer ends.

It’s weird for me to think about getting married. We went to work on our gift registry which just made it even more real. Thinking about what we’d need in our place and picking which one just made it surreal.

That’s positive, but the rest of this isn’t so much. I don’t know the difference between eating whatever I want and restricting. I absolutely hate how my body looks right now. I haven’t gained any more weight since the beginning of the summer, I think, I haven’t looked, but I’m still not happy with where I am. I always told myself I would be okay as long as I never weighed as much as I did when I started really restricting and losing weight my freshman year in high school. I may not have loved where I was when I graduated but it was so much better than where I am now. I was okay with where I was before. I was okay with the weight because it wasn’t so bad. It didn’t look terrible. I knew I could easily make progress and lose more weight or at least tone up easily. Now that I gained weight, and it was so much so fast, I feel like a failure (“so much” = 2 lbs)) and like I can’t do anything right. I hate how I look now.

I know I can change that. I know what losing weight the healthy way means, but I don’t actually know how to do that because I’ve never done anything other than restrict or eat whatever I want. I wish that when I started recovery it would have been more about learning to eat healthy instead of just restoring the weight. They could have done that with me because I wasn’t emaciated; I wasn’t sick enough to where that had to be the focus. I only had to gain 16 pounds so it wasn’t like it was so urgent that I restore the weight. Once I had gained about 1/3 of what they wanted me to gain they seemed happy with everything and then I stopped going. I just wish that they had given me more information on health instead of encouraging me to eat more chips and candy because maybe then I would be better off now.

Part of why I’m so excited to go to college, other than being on my own and getting the education I’ve always wanted, is because I’ll get to eat whatever I want (almost) and after spending a week there over Spring Break I saw that there are many healthy options, and I’m going to have a very small amount of money (enough for 2 meals a day). So I’m going to be able to have more control over what I eat and there is a gym there that I get access to as a part of my tuition.

Summer gives me a nice break, and this is my last summer to just relax and do whatever I want all day, every day, but I don’t like it because I don’t have as much freedom with my meals as I do during the school year.

Sorry it’s so negative. I probably sound crazy disordered. I hope that over what’s left of the summer I can change my body into something that I don’t despise.


10 thoughts on “I Can’t Love My Body

  1. Those cupcakes are so cute!
    I can’t believe they were encouraging you to eat chips and candy when you started recovery. Yeesh. I’m not saying you should cut those out, but everything should be in moderation. It sounds like they were just trying to get you to go to the other extreme.

    • He’s a doctor but I believe that his family used to own a bakery. He takes great pride in his cakes and cookies, and they are pretty and delicious, But I make better chocolate chip cookies!

  2. I hope you don’t use college as a time to fall deeper into an ED spiral and have to be sent home on medical leave. 😦 You’re beautiful and I’m sorry that you can’t see it! But losing weight won’t make you love yourself anymore – you just think it will, but it will never be enough for the ED. You need to work through the mental stuff and accept that it has next-to-nothing to do with your weight. I hope you feel better!

    • Thank you. I don’t plan on getting bad in college. I can’t afford to leave school. I just need to get my priorities recovery-wise straight. I can’t stay at a good weight in college just because I can’t afford to go home.

  3. I think though, at least coming from personal experience, that it’s not really about the weight. On the surface you speak about how you wish you learned about healthy eating and nutrition in recovery, but did you ever really work on the deeper issues that lead you to your ED in the first place? Like, what things in your life are causing you to feel this way?

    It’s easy to blame it all on our bad body images, but realistically we both know it’s not all about the weight or what we look like.

    And I know this doesn’t mean much, but you absolutely aren’t fat and I think you look gorgeous in all the pics you post.

    • Thank you, and I know. When I was typing that I kept thinking, “this sounds so completely disordered and you know it.” I weaseled my way out of all treatment as quickly as I could for a number of reasons, that seem valid even now.

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