Growing Up

When I was a little girl I wondered what I would be like when I grew up. I imagined that at 16 I would be the pretty popular girl who got her license and a car, didn’t have to be a nice one, and dated The guy in school that everyone wanted to date. I imagined being part of the stereotypical drama crowd wearing all black and writing poetry all day long. I don’t think I  would believe myself if I went back in time and told myself that at 16 I would not have a license, my parents would be separated after years and years of fighting, I would be going to a crappy high school and people would have no idea who I was because I would blend into the background by choice, and that at 16 I would be diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and depression. But at least I would be dating the boy I was going to marry, and I know of a few girls who’d wanted to date him at the same time I did and weren’t particularly happy with me when they found out we were an item after the winter formal.

I still wonder what I’ll be like when I grow up, and the scary thing is that I’m going to have to find out really, really soon. I go off to college in the middle of September and the fiancé and I have planned our wedding for about a week after spring quarter ends. We’re moving into an apartment over in the college town and living there until I graduate. So basically, when I move into my dorm room this summer that is it. I am done. I will no longer be a resident of my mom’s house. I’ll stay there during winter and spring break because I’m not allowed to stay in the dorms but I will not be a resident anymore. I will be a visitor. I’m going to have to work and find some way to pay the bills and make food and clean the apartment which will thankfully be tiny so it won’t take long.

I don’t know if my eating disorder surfaced as a way to cope with growing up or a way to stay young or whatever. I just know that my ED is not happy with the thoughts of all these major changes that are about to happen. I’m excited, but I’m also really scared. I don’t think it has much to do with my age. If we were getting married after I graduate I would be writing the same thing. The whole idea of separating from my mom completely is just scary, and in some ways I feel like my dad. He abandoned us, left us for his own selfish needs, and put us through a lot of pain. My brother is dealing with it in his weird ways and my mom just feels like a horrible person for marrying the guy. I know I’m moving out just like any kid does. I know all kids leave the nest at some point, but I still feel bad on top of being scared.

Growing up has always been this scary thing I had to think about when I was a kid. I was painfully aware that my childhood was not going to last and I kept planning ahead in chunks of years for what I would do and have to get done by the time I was 12, 14, 16, and now 18 and I’m thinking about 22, 26, 30 (oh my god, I’m going to be 30 one day!). One day at a time, but it just seems scary when I think, “How am I going to juggle work, school, a husband, an eating disorder, and recovering from an eating disorder into a 24 hour time slot and still get a decent amount of sleep?”

I guess we all have to wait, watch, and see. You’re all following this blog, so I guess you’re coming along for the ride.

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8 thoughts on “Growing Up

  1. Kit-Kat says:

    Right now you just need to relax. It’s easy to get “caught up” in the world and panic about the future. You need to let go and enjoy the now. I have a question: have you started to re-write any of the novels you wrote when you were younger? I know you said they were not very good, but I just looked back at some of my early stories, and I think that my own plots are good enough for re-edditing even though my words in my stories are “babyish”. I’m curious to see your works, sometime soon (you know, published athor). 🙂

  2. I’ve said it before, but I’m so excited for you. Going off to college was very scary for me, but I had the support of my husband (boyfriend at the time) so I’m sure your fiance will make the transition a little easier.

  3. If you would have told a younger me the shit I went through in high school, I wouldn’t have believed you. I thought I would glide through high school. Or it to be like the ones you see on tv. But nope. But I’m happy how everything has turned out 🙂

  4. I worked my way through college, sometimes with three jobs at a time. My one regret now is that I did not spend more time enjoying my college days. My biggest hope for you is that you will be able to live in the moment more than I did. Even though supporting yourself is hard, your responsibilities will continue to increase, so your college days might actually seem less burdened than you think when you look back them in the future.

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