When I was a little girl I wondered what I would be like when I grew up. I imagined that at 16 I would be the pretty popular girl who got her license and a car, didn’t have to be a nice one, and dated The guy in school that everyone wanted to date. I imagined being part of the stereotypical drama crowd wearing all black and writing poetry all day long. I don’t think I would believe myself if I went back in time and told myself that at 16 I would not have a license, my parents would be separated after years and years of fighting, I would be going to a crappy high school and people would have no idea who I was because I would blend into the background by choice, and that at 16 I would be diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and depression. But at least I would be dating the boy I was going to marry, and I know of a few girls who’d wanted to date him at the same time I did and weren’t particularly happy with me when they found out we were an item after the winter formal.
I still wonder what I’ll be like when I grow up, and the scary thing is that I’m going to have to find out really, really soon. I go off to college in the middle of September and the fiancé and I have planned our wedding for about a week after spring quarter ends. We’re moving into an apartment over in the college town and living there until I graduate. So basically, when I move into my dorm room this summer that is it. I am done. I will no longer be a resident of my mom’s house. I’ll stay there during winter and spring break because I’m not allowed to stay in the dorms but I will not be a resident anymore. I will be a visitor. I’m going to have to work and find some way to pay the bills and make food and clean the apartment which will thankfully be tiny so it won’t take long.
I don’t know if my eating disorder surfaced as a way to cope with growing up or a way to stay young or whatever. I just know that my ED is not happy with the thoughts of all these major changes that are about to happen. I’m excited, but I’m also really scared. I don’t think it has much to do with my age. If we were getting married after I graduate I would be writing the same thing. The whole idea of separating from my mom completely is just scary, and in some ways I feel like my dad. He abandoned us, left us for his own selfish needs, and put us through a lot of pain. My brother is dealing with it in his weird ways and my mom just feels like a horrible person for marrying the guy. I know I’m moving out just like any kid does. I know all kids leave the nest at some point, but I still feel bad on top of being scared.
Growing up has always been this scary thing I had to think about when I was a kid. I was painfully aware that my childhood was not going to last and I kept planning ahead in chunks of years for what I would do and have to get done by the time I was 12, 14, 16, and now 18 and I’m thinking about 22, 26, 30 (oh my god, I’m going to be 30 one day!). One day at a time, but it just seems scary when I think, “How am I going to juggle work, school, a husband, an eating disorder, and recovering from an eating disorder into a 24 hour time slot and still get a decent amount of sleep?”
I guess we all have to wait, watch, and see. You’re all following this blog, so I guess you’re coming along for the ride.