I have been trying to do accept my body for two years.
To no avail.
I spent about half an hour crying last night because I weighed myself. I’m back to where I was when I was a freshman (well, I thought so. It was almost directly after dinner and this morning it was lower) and I could not handle it. I had spent so much of my time and focus working to lose all that weight. It could not come back. That was not okay with me.
So I called the fiancé and he spent all the time that I was crying trying to convince me that it was okay but my brain was not having it. He kept telling me that he still loved me and that he was more comfortable with me being that high. He told me I deserved more than just putting my entire worth on a number.
I don’t like what I saw this morning but it was better than what it said last night. I am trying, I just don’t really know how to try. What am I striving for? Something in the past? There is nothing in the past. I don’t remember a time when I accepted my body. When I was kid I don’t think I thought about it, and if I did it wasn’t in a positive light. I remember wishing I could wear make up when I was 4 like my cousin who was two years older than me so that I could be pretty like her. There isn’t anything in my past to help me. I have figure it out from nothing, and I don’t really know how to do that.
I’m generally happy until it comes to meal times. I didn’t eat breakfast for the past two days but I did this morning. Dinner has always been the one thing I can’t control and that bothers me. It used to be. My freshman and sophomore year I used to control all of my meals, which is probably why it went so wrong. But the rest of my days are fine. I spend them with my fiancé and we plan the wedding some more (finally think we found a venue!) or watch old movies. Independence Day is tomorrow which gives everyone an excuse to go outside and blow stuff up with friends (oh America) and so I am getting together with friends which will be fun. I just hope that the food doesn’t freak me out. Maybe I can enjoy one of the cupcakes I plan on making? Maybe?
I need to focus more on nutrition than my weight and calories. I need to worry about my body not my weight. I’m always preaching about health but when it comes to mine I don’t really care. How hypocritical. I need to work on that. My attention on my weight needs to shift to my health, so I’m trying. I’m not going to let it ruin my entire summer. I am still enjoying my break and looking forward to everything ahead. I just hope that my ED doesn’t get in the way anymore than it already has. In fact, I hope it goes away a little more. A lot more.