Trying, Focusing

I have been trying to do accept my body for two years.

To no avail.

I spent about half an hour crying last night because I weighed myself. I’m back to where I was when I was a freshman (well, I thought so. It was almost directly after dinner and this morning it was lower) and I could not handle it. I had spent so much of my time and focus working to lose all that weight. It could not come back. That was not okay with me.

So I called the fiancé and he spent all the time that I was crying trying to convince me that it was okay but my brain was not having it. He kept telling me that he still loved me and that he was more comfortable with me being that high. He told me I deserved more than just putting my entire worth on a number.

I don’t like what I saw this morning but it was better than what it said last night. I am trying, I just don’t really know how to try. What am I striving for? Something in the past? There is nothing in the past. I don’t remember a time when I accepted my body. When I was kid I don’t think I thought about it, and if I did it wasn’t in a positive light. I remember wishing I could wear make up when I was 4 like my cousin who was two years older than me so that I could be pretty like her. There isn’t anything in my past to help me. I have figure it out from nothing, and I don’t really know how to do that.

I’m generally happy until it comes to meal times. I didn’t eat breakfast for the past two days but I did this morning. Dinner has always been the one thing I can’t control and that bothers me. It used to be. My freshman and sophomore year I used to control all of my meals, which is probably why it went so wrong. But the rest of my days are fine. I spend them with my fiancé and we plan the wedding some more (finally think we found a venue!) or watch old movies. Independence Day is tomorrow which gives everyone an excuse to go outside and blow stuff up with friends (oh America) and so I am getting together with friends which will be fun. I just hope that the food doesn’t freak me out. Maybe I can enjoy one of the cupcakes I plan on making? Maybe?

I need to focus more on nutrition than my weight and calories. I need to worry about my body not my weight. I’m always preaching about health but when it comes to mine I don’t really care. How hypocritical. I need to work on that. My attention on my weight needs to shift to my health, so I’m trying. I’m not going to let it ruin my entire summer. I am still enjoying my break and looking forward to everything ahead. I just hope that my ED doesn’t get in the way anymore than it already has. In fact, I hope it goes away a little more. A lot more.

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9 thoughts on “Trying, Focusing

  1. Oh hun! I know just how you feel! That was one of my main motivations for staying sick in fact, ‘well, I’ve lost a lot of friends, and spent a lot of time, effort and energy in controlling my diet and staying this thin that I can’t go back now! That’ll be admitting defeat!’ Even now I struggle with this, even though recovery is harder work and will be more rewarding long term! I dunno, giving up anorexia sometimes feel like failure and admitting I’m wrong…

    Yeah, my boyfriend says I look better and seem much happier since I started with recovery, but at times it’s harder than anorexia…

    Hope you feel better soon anyway.

  2. Have you ever considered getting rid of the scale? I know it’s a scary concept, but not having the scale was the only time in my life where I ever came close to body acceptance. Since I didn’t know the number, my brain couldn’t play tricks on me and I was able to see my body for how it really looked vs. how I thought it looked matched with some number.

  3. I just made a similar decision for myself to try to stop focusing on calories and my weight and instead focus on nutrition and even though it’s been pretty hard most days to shift my focus, I know it’ll do me a lot of good in the future. It’s kind of ironic, because when I was at my worst point three years ago, I thought I was being so healthy because I was cutting out so many calories but I was relying way too much on diet-y foods which are totally unhealthy. Now I’m eating so much healthier but struggling with feeling okay with the higher calories. It’s really an annoying mind game and I hope you can get it somewhat figured out for yourself soon!

  4. Your Cousin Hannah says:

    Hi Aja. Just had to comment…I wasn’t pretty because I wore makeup, I was silly! I wear less now than back then 😉 Exercise and being healthy has helped me a lot to feel comfortable with myself without all the hair and makeup. You’re gorgeous just how you are too! As I sit here at my desk at work eating apple pie I hope you had a treat for 4th of july. You deserve it.

  5. I seriously don’t get how some people just go day by day with being okay with their body. I have mad respect for them. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But stay strong! You’re fiance loves you no.matter.what. And I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s true.

  6. Hi, Aja,

    I’ve lurked reading this for a bit and finally made an account and blog. i’ve found your posts really helpful and inspirational. I hear you on not accepting your body; I hope that you can begin seeing the views of the people around you instead of the warped image Ana gives you. Ugh. She’s a bitch.

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