Lost Their Trust

After two years in recovery I didn’t think about this until yesterday.

My mom trusts me to do a great number of things that include keeping my room clean (because I’m obsessed with cleaning) and getting my brother and myself off to school on time (well, not anymore since it’s summer) and watch and take care of my brother while she is at work. She does not trust my brother to do these things because he has an incredibly messy room and when left alone for two day while I was in Disneyland and my mom at work he almost missed the bus. And we have found match boxes and lighters in his room in the past that did not come from us. What my mom does not trust me to do is keep myself alive. For a while she would make my lunches for school and then my parents started talking about divorce and in about the 4th grade I started making myself breakfast and lunch and feeding my little brother before going to the bus stop. She started making my lunches for me again in my junior year after my diagnosis even though I had successfully made (not consumed) my own lunch after my diagnosis for the remainder of my sophomore year. She said to me the other day when we were talking about college and how she feels about me going away that she was sad and worried that she wouldn’t be able to have a hand in keeping me alive anymore.

I didn’t realize that keeping me alive was still a struggle, especially since I restored my weight about a year ago.

I was born 6 weeks early weighing a tiny 3lbs 5oz and there was some doubt about my survival, so I understand her worrying about keeping me alive. Add an eating disorder to that and it makes complete sense. I just hadn’t thought about it.

Sometimes my mom will put things out on the counter for me to eat on the days that she has work. Lately she hasn’t been, but sometimes she will, and if it isn’t gone because maybe I wanted a sandwich instead she has to interrogate me about it and I have to prove to her that I ate a sandwich. It’s funny because the same things I have to do to prove it, like leave out the knife I used with some peanut butter still on it and a plate dusted in bread crumbs I used to fabricate to make it look like I ate back when I was trying to lose weight.

With college and the upcoming marriage my mom is going to have to trust that I can take care of myself because she can’t follow me everywhere. I suspect she will send me texts asking what I made for dinner that night and if I had time for breakfast and lunch between classes, and while they will annoy me I know she is just concerned and that they will eventually disappear. However, I wish she trusted me enough to not feel like she has to do that, even though I understand why she doesn’t.

Kyle was my biggest support in my recovery but now whenever I have a struggle his reaction is to snap and yell at me. I have been having a particularly hard time since returning from vacation almost two weeks ago. I understand why he does it. I go for longer periods of time now being generally okay and I don’t need help, so when I do he just wants it to go away as soon as possible so we can get back to the nice time we were having with me being okay. I talked to him the other day about it, practically begging him to be okay with me losing weight, saying the typical things like “just a few pounds and then I’ll stop” and I still believe that that is my true intent. I don’t think I’m lying when I say that and I want to do it just to see if I am telling the truth. “Don’t you trust me?” I asked him and he told me no, not with that.

I was diagnosed just over two years ago now. I think I have made excellent progress. I have restored the weight and on most days I am okay with myself. Sometimes I even look in the mirror and think I’m pretty. But I suppose that the one thing that I will never be able to restore in the trust from the people I love.

On an unrelated note, email me @ writeandrecover@hotmail.com for the password to the “Wedding Related” page. 

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7 thoughts on “Lost Their Trust

  1. I hate to say this, but they are both right not to trust you with this. That being said, I also know that people watching me like a hawk and even lovingly nagging me has the worst effect possible, so you might feel the same way. My best stretch of “normalness” lasted a couple of years when I stopped looking at the scale, consciously ate whenever I was hungry but only until I was full, and moderately exercised. I had no goal in mind, and the pounds melted off. I never deprived myself of anything I wanted, and never binged. I felt the best I’ve ever felt. I really stopped thinking about food and stopped thinking about denying myself food, and I felt completely balanced. All went well until my “inefficient colon” started causing problems…
    It will always be a battle, unfortunately. But getting support from others can help quite a bit.

    • See, I really want to be at that point in my life asap. Hopefully I can get there. I’m sorry about your colon. The body can be annoying.

  2. I agree that you have most definitely come a long way. Your mom and fiance love you more than anything so I understand where they are coming from. I don’t blame them. I know it sucks because they don’t understand what it’s like to have an eating disorder. They’re on the outside looking in. If only they knew what we go through on a daily basis! But they only want what’s best for you and they want to keep you safe. So it’s really a hard predicament.

  3. I can kinda understand why your mom worries about you and your health but I always feel frustrated too when my mom treats me like a little kid again just because of my eating disorder. I mean, I’ve successfully gotten through two years of college living by myself most of that time. But then again I’ve also relapsed and haven’t always made the best choices in recovery so I can see where she’s coming from. But it is hard to understand that our moms only do it because they care about us.

  4. They are right not to trust you YET. And you still have some things to work out (like valuing yourself for the awesome person you are – I still think you don’t realize how much you deserve to be a living, healthy person and not a shell of a self!). My mom was the same way for a while – whenever I hadn’t eaten in front of her, I’d need to leave out dishes with ‘evidence’ or she’d be really worried. It comes from a good place, though, it comes from lunch. Eventually, she regained trust in me though – but it takes a while and you need to be healthy for a good while first! Now she’s not interested in seeing my bread crumb plates on ice cream covered bowls anymore, she like “Put away your dishes!” Bwahaha, life moves on and it’s a wonderful thing. 🙂 But it takes time.

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