Since I have nothing to do in school now I spent one of my classes watching the documentary Demi Lovato came out with earlier this year about her struggle with self-harm and bulimia. I used to think she didn’t actually have a problem and that it was just another celebrity thing like with Kelly Clarkson, but then as I was watching I realized she really did have a problem. Part of me knew that she really was sick and I also know that she probably still is struggling, she just has to act like everything is all hunky-dory now because she’s back in show business where everyone, at least every woman, has to be a role model.
But that’s not what I’m writing about. While watching it she said something that really hit me. She said she had to realize that she was worth it; that she was worth recovery.
This is something I have never, ever actually done. I always write about how my boyfriend has helped me so much through all of this; that he is my reason to recover, which is completely true. I’m not recovering for me. I know that. I also know that this isn’t going to continue to work if I’m not doing it for me. I keep trying to get “healthy” for me and it keeps ending up in me hovering around where I am now and the number I want to be. It’s not really yo-yo-ing because it’s within the normal weight fluctuation range, but that’s besides the point. I have never thought of myself as being worth it to recover. I always wonder exactly why I am doing this.
For my boyfriend, because it would kill him if I didn’t and he cares about me. Because I love him.
For my mom so that she doesn’t have to keep shelling out an extra $20 in copay and whatever it costs in gas to drive to the center every week, and so she doesn’t have to know how much inpatient care costs.
But for me? Not even close. I don’t do anything for me except lose weight and exercise until I ache for weeks on end. That’s my form of self-harm and I am okay with it because I feel like it is helping me. No pain, no gain, right? I work so hard so that I know I did something, because all my life I’ve been told I can’t do what I want and that I’m no good. I work so hard and push myself past my limits and feel the pain in my stomach because it’s been empty for so long to prove to myself and everyone that I can do something, and that I am worth something. You’re only worth something if you’ve done something.
I know that’s not true. The logical part of my brain knows that’s a lie, but the logical part of my brain isn’t in control right now. It hasn’t been in a long time now.
So I have to focus on myself. I have to consider what makes me worth it. I have to figure out why I need to recover for me because right now all I feel like I want is to lose weight. I’ve got big important things coming up really soon and I don’t feel like I’m worth it unless I weigh X number of pounds. I feel like I’m not going to feel better until I hit that number, regardless of what’s to come in the next two weeks.