Coping with Change: the End of my Senior Year

I have 2 presentations left and that is all that I have left to do in school. But I still have to wake up at 6am and go there until 2:30pm and sit and do nothing since I don’t present until Friday and Tuesday. What am I going to do after that? What I’m doing now: nothing.

At the same time I am applying to work at any place that has openings and hoping I’ll get one. I have an interview in two weeks that I am really nervous about but I know it’ll go well.

I move in to my new dorm, and I don’t even know which one it is, in 4 months (I think, I might be counting wrong), I go to orientation and register for classes in July, I’m graduating in 17 days, and hopefully starting a new job in like 25 days. I have gone from these changes being months away to weeks and even days away. I have 11 days of school left. Then I work. Then I go to college and work some more while taking a full course load because I am not paying $22,000 for less than 18 credits a quarter.

I used to look forward to college. Even just months ago when I was fed up about high school not challenging me I was looking forward to college, but now I just wish I could go back to being a little girl, pre-preschool age, when I was living in Helena, Montana with my mom and dad, back when he still loved me, and all I had to worry about what finding Pooh bear in a little hide-and-seek book thing and pulling all of the books off of my dad’s bookshelf.

Those are just some of the changes I have to look forward to, as well. There are more. The list is endless, and I am not dealing with it well at all. I have watched myself for the past 6 weeks change from someone who was starting to like my body to someone who wishes it would shrink into nothing. I try not to eat while I’m at school, at least nothing other than my sandwich when just a while ago I was trying to pack more food because I get hungry every two hours now. It failed today because my friend made bread and brought cinnamon rolls so I ate a good amount of that, and then hated myself for it. I wanted to purge it but I didn’t have a hair tie. And I also hate throwing up.

I want to lose weight and I’m in a weird place where I know that I need to eat and want to eat, so I get mad at myself because I want to lose weight but my desire to eat in the moment overrules the long term. I want to be nothing. I want to be able to go 12 hours between meals like I used to, especially since I won’t be able to afford 3 meals a day in college when right now I eat 5. I have wanted to stop my 4 week Pilates challenge and replace it entirely with cardio and have even started making the transition so that I can burn more fat and lose more weight.

There is also exciting family drama happening that goes back to what I went through when I was a kid which is even more triggering. I hate the weight I am at right now. I want it to go away. I want to be thin again. It’s the only thing that I know I can do, and I hate myself right now for not doing it. I may or may not be able to get a job. I am most likely not able to pay for college and who knows if I’ll be able to succeed there? All the other changes happening? Who knows if they’ll go well at all? Getting thin and being thin is all I know and all I can succeed in. Being thin is all of my worth.

This is bad. It’s the worst it has ever been. Most times when I “relapse” I am able to snap out of it pretty quickly, but now I just feel completely worthless.


6 thoughts on “Coping with Change: the End of my Senior Year

  1. I really enjoy the realness of your writing. You are so honest and open. I wish you the best in your final days of high school–it gets way better after that, I swear! When I went off to college, I found that there were definitely people who were accepting and understanding. You just have to reach out to them. I am also enduring the pains of the job search… BUT! Embrace the coming change and learning to love yourself will come later, with a little patience and a lot of work. At least that’s how it was in my experiences. Best wishes.

  2. Aja,
    Please don’t give up. I was right where you were not too long ago and I completely regret the decisions I made then. College was stressing me out and I hated my body so I stopped eating and everything seemed okay for a little while but quickly got out of control. Think about how miserable you’d be from not eating…that is the worst feeling even though others may seem worse at the moment. Will you really feel any better being at a lower weight? What will it get you? Fake control? That’s what it got me. It also got me horrible grades, I dropped out of school and felt like a failure. People never wanted to be around me because I was such a bitch. It was not fun. I focused on how little I could eat and nothing else. Relapse sucks balls! Please, please, please think of the positives. I know it can be super hard when everything seems like it sucks but I promise you there must be something that is good and that you love?!! Keep pushing forward, it will be worth it. I pulled myself out of relapse and it was the best thing I ever did. I am 100 times happier now. Yeah, there are days where I hate my body and wish I could go back but I remind myself that it’s not worth it and of all the things I lost being that way. It wasn’t fun at all and I was so far from happy. You can do this love! Email me if you need/want to talk…I’m always here for you<3 🙂

  3. It’s difficult. The moments where I wished I could go back to my eating disorder were the most slippery, dangerous times. And even if you lost weight in a healthy way, it may trigger you as it did with me. It sucks being an anorexic in recovery; we are always challenged with what to eat, when to eat, what will make us gain, lose, etc. An alcoholic only has to give up alcohol. Someone with an eating disorder? It’s way more complicated.

  4. I am not going to give you a pep talk because I know from my own experiences that it won’t work. But I think you wrote this because you recognize you need help. Can you take the next step and ask someone knowledgeable to help you? Do you want to look at the end of your senior year as the time you lost it completely or as the time you were spinning out of control and you triumphed, once again, over this disease?

  5. hey aja,

    I’ve just started reading your blog and can identify a lot.
    I have anorexia/bulimia and I also find change extremely difficult. I think it’s because I set out certain rules and routines for myself and when something happens to change them I panic. But I often find the thoughts of something are a lot worse than the actual event itself.
    I wish you the best of luck in the next chapter in your life and I’ll look forward to reading all about it.

    Much love x

  6. Relapse is hard, because you know it’s something you shouldn’t be doing but yet you really want to do it because it’s easier than recovery. I started relapsing six months ago when I realized that I could eat way less while I was away at college and no one would ever know. Once I started seeing the numbers on the scale go down, I couldn’t get myself to stop and it’s kinda scary. The problem is now I know I need to be eating more, but I can’t get myself to do it because I’ve been stuck in this pattern of not eating much for awhile and I keep telling myself if no one notices then I can keep doing it. I know it probably seems like it’ll be easier to restrict when you get to college, but it really isn’t worth it because the cycle is so hard to escape.

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