I have 2 presentations left and that is all that I have left to do in school. But I still have to wake up at 6am and go there until 2:30pm and sit and do nothing since I don’t present until Friday and Tuesday. What am I going to do after that? What I’m doing now: nothing.
At the same time I am applying to work at any place that has openings and hoping I’ll get one. I have an interview in two weeks that I am really nervous about but I know it’ll go well.
I move in to my new dorm, and I don’t even know which one it is, in 4 months (I think, I might be counting wrong), I go to orientation and register for classes in July, I’m graduating in 17 days, and hopefully starting a new job in like 25 days. I have gone from these changes being months away to weeks and even days away. I have 11 days of school left. Then I work. Then I go to college and work some more while taking a full course load because I am not paying $22,000 for less than 18 credits a quarter.
I used to look forward to college. Even just months ago when I was fed up about high school not challenging me I was looking forward to college, but now I just wish I could go back to being a little girl, pre-preschool age, when I was living in Helena, Montana with my mom and dad, back when he still loved me, and all I had to worry about what finding Pooh bear in a little hide-and-seek book thing and pulling all of the books off of my dad’s bookshelf.
Those are just some of the changes I have to look forward to, as well. There are more. The list is endless, and I am not dealing with it well at all. I have watched myself for the past 6 weeks change from someone who was starting to like my body to someone who wishes it would shrink into nothing. I try not to eat while I’m at school, at least nothing other than my sandwich when just a while ago I was trying to pack more food because I get hungry every two hours now. It failed today because my friend made bread and brought cinnamon rolls so I ate a good amount of that, and then hated myself for it. I wanted to purge it but I didn’t have a hair tie. And I also hate throwing up.
I want to lose weight and I’m in a weird place where I know that I need to eat and want to eat, so I get mad at myself because I want to lose weight but my desire to eat in the moment overrules the long term. I want to be nothing. I want to be able to go 12 hours between meals like I used to, especially since I won’t be able to afford 3 meals a day in college when right now I eat 5. I have wanted to stop my 4 week Pilates challenge and replace it entirely with cardio and have even started making the transition so that I can burn more fat and lose more weight.
There is also exciting family drama happening that goes back to what I went through when I was a kid which is even more triggering. I hate the weight I am at right now. I want it to go away. I want to be thin again. It’s the only thing that I know I can do, and I hate myself right now for not doing it. I may or may not be able to get a job. I am most likely not able to pay for college and who knows if I’ll be able to succeed there? All the other changes happening? Who knows if they’ll go well at all? Getting thin and being thin is all I know and all I can succeed in. Being thin is all of my worth.
This is bad. It’s the worst it has ever been. Most times when I “relapse” I am able to snap out of it pretty quickly, but now I just feel completely worthless.