I have 15 days of school left as of today. I guess 14 if you count Senior Skip Day, and maybe 13 if you don’t count the last day since it’s only half a day that we’re required to be there and then we can go home.  It is also 25 days until my trip to Disneyland with my boyfriend. It’s 4 months until I move in to college. 4 months from now I’ll be at college, actually, just waiting for classes to start. And as exciting as this all is, I am scared to death. My childhood is officially over in 23 days. What the heck happened?

I was a weird kid. I didn’t care about getting older because for some odd reason I understood that it was going to be very soon and that my childhood was only there for a limited amount of time. In all honesty I am terrified of getting older. I don’t want to grow old and start falling apart. Some “professionals” claim that eating disorders are developed out of a fear of growing up. They say that the reason for not eating is so they stay skinny enough to not look like a woman. Having no extra weight means no boobs and no period. It means staying young, even though doing that greatly ages the body. Maybe that was part of why my anorexia came to the surface, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know for certain if that’s true.

When I was in middle school, particularly in 8th grade with high school looming over me, I wished that Never Land was real and that I could fly away to it and live with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys and Tinker Bell and never grow up.

I think part of why I exercise so much (other than my obvious exercise addiction) and am so focused on Clean Eating and eating less animal matter has to do with the fact that those things are proven to slow down the signs of aging and keep the body running smoother into old age. I’ll admit, I have a real problem. It’s not wrong to want to be healthy, but it’s probably a problem when you want to be as healthy as I do because you’re terrified of not being healthy and gaining weight. I’m thankful I can’t have kids because there is no way I would ever be able to deal with being pregnant. My appetite is already freaking me out because of how frequently I have to eat now with all of the exercise I do. There is no way I could eat for two even if I could have kids.

So yes, I am terrified of growing old along with gaining weight, which brings me to my point I guess. Graduation is upon me, along with looking for a job. Last year’s job hunt did not prove successful but that was okay. I didn’t have college to pay for yet. This year, if I don’t get a job I am potentially not going to college this fall and trying to get a job during the school year so I could go next fall. I have to worry about how I’m going to pay for stuff all of a sudden. It’s not something my mom is going to worry about. I have to pay for college. I have to find a way to pay for college. I will sell everything I own to go to college, but then the trouble is finding people who will buy what I own. So for now I’m applying every place that I can, and hoping that I get hired.

25 days until my trip to Disneyland. Disneyland is the one place on Earth that I can go to and be completely happy. When I’m in Disneyland all I worry about is how long the lines are and whether or not Indiana Jones is working today. I can completely forget everything that is going on in the outside world. The wars don’t matter. The 2012 election isn’t happening as far as I’m concerned. College, whatever. A job? I’m in Disneyland, why the heck would I need one? Unfortunately, you cannot live in Disneyland, I checked, unless you are a cat that will catch mice for them (I hope I am reincarnated as a cat in Anaheim, California and I will live in Disneyland). I am so looking forward to my trip, I think I’m really going to need it. It is an escape and I am so glad that it exists and that I am going pretty much a day after graduation. For 3 days I will be able to escape being a grown up, and oh, what a smack in the face it’s going to be when I come home and the real world is waiting for me.

Maybe I’ll stay up tonight and stare at the sky. I will find the Second Star to the Right if it kills me. Anyone have any pixie dust?


10 thoughts on “Escape

  1. Ugh, can I go with you to Disneyland? Maybe my dream will actually be a prophecy, haha.

    I hate growing older all the time. People often mistake me for a teenager/pre-teen, so realistically I’ll probably look young for a while, but the fact that in four years I will already be 30 freaks me out. 19 was my magic number; once I hit 20, the aging pocess really began to terrify me. Death scares me, but it’s not just death I fear; getting old and developing wrinkles and just overall looking like an adult depresses me. I’d love to look and feel youthful forever. Being an adult sucks; it’s no longer “romantic.” It’s like…hello mortgage, bills, kids, health problems, work stress, responsibilities, etc. HATE IT!

    • I’m afraid of death, too, but I think I fear growing old more. Actually, I don’t know. If I could just stay young forever…

  2. i am still so scared to grow up. yeah i’m in college now but it’s still super scary to think about what will come in 5, 10 years. i remember this one time, my brother was talking about his work in middle school. i was probably 7 or so at the time. all of a sudden, i burst out in tears and said, “i don’t want to grow up! it’s too hard!” and that’s still how i feel sometimes

    • I would do that with my babysitters, who were 3 and 5 years older than me. Learning to drive and everything just seemed way too hard and scary.

  3. That is an interesting theory about not wanting to grow up. I never heard that before, but chills ran down my spine as you described your Never Land fantasies – because I used to wish the same exact thing. As I was going through all of my problems at home as a teenager, I would sit at my window each night, crying, and wishing for Peter Pan to come to whisk me away. Maybe there is something to that theory.

  4. Ahh I love Disneyland! It has so many happy childhood memories 🙂 A lot of what you said about aging is very interesting. For me, I used to have the same fears. However, I began to realize that I was spending more time worrying about living my life than actually living it.

  5. This entry really made me think. I was excited to get older until I was about ten. And then I became terrified of growing up and being an adult. I don’t know if this contributed to my eating disorder but treatment defiantly kept me more childlike and “safe”. Thanks for posting. I’m going to have a lot to think about.
    P.S. I’m so jealous that you get to go to Disneyland. It’s on my bucket list.

  6. Scarlett says:

    I was DYING to turn 13 for my entire childhood, because teenagers were “cool”, but once I hit 13 I had no interest in getting any older. My 14th birthday was miserable. I legitimately felt old while all my friends thought I was crazy because they just wanted to turn 16 and get their licenses.

    Enjoy it while it lasts. And do know that while we all have to get older, we can still “be a kid” in terms of having fun and acting ridiculous. Being an adult can be really lame, but it’s not as different as I used to worry it would be. 🙂

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