I have 15 days of school left as of today. I guess 14 if you count Senior Skip Day, and maybe 13 if you don’t count the last day since it’s only half a day that we’re required to be there and then we can go home. It is also 25 days until my trip to Disneyland with my boyfriend. It’s 4 months until I move in to college. 4 months from now I’ll be at college, actually, just waiting for classes to start. And as exciting as this all is, I am scared to death. My childhood is officially over in 23 days. What the heck happened?
I was a weird kid. I didn’t care about getting older because for some odd reason I understood that it was going to be very soon and that my childhood was only there for a limited amount of time. In all honesty I am terrified of getting older. I don’t want to grow old and start falling apart. Some “professionals” claim that eating disorders are developed out of a fear of growing up. They say that the reason for not eating is so they stay skinny enough to not look like a woman. Having no extra weight means no boobs and no period. It means staying young, even though doing that greatly ages the body. Maybe that was part of why my anorexia came to the surface, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know for certain if that’s true.
When I was in middle school, particularly in 8th grade with high school looming over me, I wished that Never Land was real and that I could fly away to it and live with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys and Tinker Bell and never grow up.
I think part of why I exercise so much (other than my obvious exercise addiction) and am so focused on Clean Eating and eating less animal matter has to do with the fact that those things are proven to slow down the signs of aging and keep the body running smoother into old age. I’ll admit, I have a real problem. It’s not wrong to want to be healthy, but it’s probably a problem when you want to be as healthy as I do because you’re terrified of not being healthy and gaining weight. I’m thankful I can’t have kids because there is no way I would ever be able to deal with being pregnant. My appetite is already freaking me out because of how frequently I have to eat now with all of the exercise I do. There is no way I could eat for two even if I could have kids.
So yes, I am terrified of growing old along with gaining weight, which brings me to my point I guess. Graduation is upon me, along with looking for a job. Last year’s job hunt did not prove successful but that was okay. I didn’t have college to pay for yet. This year, if I don’t get a job I am potentially not going to college this fall and trying to get a job during the school year so I could go next fall. I have to worry about how I’m going to pay for stuff all of a sudden. It’s not something my mom is going to worry about. I have to pay for college. I have to find a way to pay for college. I will sell everything I own to go to college, but then the trouble is finding people who will buy what I own. So for now I’m applying every place that I can, and hoping that I get hired.
25 days until my trip to Disneyland. Disneyland is the one place on Earth that I can go to and be completely happy. When I’m in Disneyland all I worry about is how long the lines are and whether or not Indiana Jones is working today. I can completely forget everything that is going on in the outside world. The wars don’t matter. The 2012 election isn’t happening as far as I’m concerned. College, whatever. A job? I’m in Disneyland, why the heck would I need one? Unfortunately, you cannot live in Disneyland, I checked, unless you are a cat that will catch mice for them (I hope I am reincarnated as a cat in Anaheim, California and I will live in Disneyland). I am so looking forward to my trip, I think I’m really going to need it. It is an escape and I am so glad that it exists and that I am going pretty much a day after graduation. For 3 days I will be able to escape being a grown up, and oh, what a smack in the face it’s going to be when I come home and the real world is waiting for me.
Maybe I’ll stay up tonight and stare at the sky. I will find the Second Star to the Right if it kills me. Anyone have any pixie dust?