You Know You Have an Eating Disorder When

I have been in denial about my anorexia pretty much since I figured out I probably had it about 3 months before I was officially diagnosed. Mainly because I don’t want to accept it, and my grandmother looked at 5’2” 94lb me when she heard the news and said, “You’re not that skinny.” I trust and love my grandmother to death so I believed her. If she didn’t think I was that skinny then I wasn’t that skinny, which meant that I wasn’t anorexic, and almost meant that I could lose more weight.

But there are moments when I realize I have an eating disorder. Like when I read “purse” as “purge,” or when I crave exercise so much I ignore the “above the neck” rule and with walking pneumonia (I’m talking about right now) I do squats and bicycle crunches for the length of an entire song each.

Or when I decided to measure my waist today because I haven’t been able to exercise in 2 weeks and a skirt I haven’t worn since summer, so I’m not used to the feel of it, feels tight, when it’s really just resting against my waist as it is supposed to. I don’t realize that I’m slouching when I take the measurement so it says I’ve gained an entire inch on my waist.

And I broke down. Complete with wailing and moaning and hacking (from the cough). It’s really hard to cry when you have a lung infection that causes you to cough just because you inhaled. But I managed somehow, and then I went and enjoyed my Sunday.

But it is hard sometimes. It just hits me. I am anorexic. I have had this disorder my entire life, but these past 2 years I have had to go against it. If I didn’t have it there would be nothing for me to go against and I could continue to lose weight and do whatever I wanted. But I am anorexic and eating <800 calories a day isn’t going to help me. Exercising 2 hours a day won’t help me either. I have learned so much about what health actually means and how important it is to take care of your body, and I was doing that very well before I got sick (maybe not so well since I got sick).

I am anorexic, but I have spent the last 2 years fighting it, quite successfully I might add. So whether I believe I have this disorder or not I am doing pretty well. It’s just a little overwhelming when I’m reminded of my disorder so much. I don’t think normal people cry about adding a fake inch to their waist.

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3 thoughts on “You Know You Have an Eating Disorder When

  1. YES! you have fought the eating disorder so well. recovery is like the bumpiest, longest roller coaster. you’ll have good days, and you’ll have absolutely horrible days. but hey! it happens to the best of us. as long as you are able to get over those bad days, you’ll be okay 🙂

  2. Oh I know how you feel. It’s hard when you realize that some of your behaviors are so outrageous, but the fact that you recognize it as not normal is good. Keep fighting!

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