Let’s Get Real

I missed 4 days of school and went back yesterday to hear that most people though I had died. I guess when you turn as white as a sheet of paper and nearly pass out and get wheeled in a wheel chair past most of the student body and two of your three teachers that is what happens. But I’m alive today. I have a nasty cough and a heart rate 20 beats faster than normal which drives me nuts. It’s some kind of respiratory thing so I can’t exercise, not to say that I haven’t done little things here and there. I do stuff, then realize it was a terrible idea when my heart feels like it’s going to explode, and then when it calms down to sick level I do more. I am not letting this illness keep me down. I worked hard! Two weeks of no exercise right before summer? I will die first.

But anyway, let’s get real. Real thing number one: you only lose weight when you’re sick if you don’t eat. I still ate. I knew not eating wouldn’t help me get better. So I’ve maintained my current weight. Damn. I mean, yay. I wish that some day I could stop worrying about losing weight but that will probably never happen. I will always want to lose weight. I just have to focus on other things. When I have lots of stuff to do and other goals to focus on I don’t worry about my weight. When I have nothing to do but watch 16 and Pregnant (which is the stupidest show ever), all I can think about is weight loss. The reality of my life is I am always going to be obsessed with how much I weigh and how much fat is around my core, which is a ridiculous amount right now and it needs to get the f*** off.

Real thing number two: on Saturday I went back to my college for Phase 1 of orientation. Super fun! I sat through two seminars that told me things I already knew because it is on their website and I do my research. I got a bank account finally and I got my student connection/id card. Then I went home. My dad was there. He asked me what I was going to major in. I hate telling people what I’m going to major in because they look at me like I’m insane and always say, “So basically you’re gonna be poor and starving.” Yep, thanks for pointing out my bleak future. Oh well, at least I’ll be skinny!

Seriously, though, it is time to get real. I love writing, yeah. Have I done any writing lately? Lots of essays but nothing fictional because I don’t have any time, nor do I have any drive to make the time. So yes, I love it, but it obviously isn’t something that is realistic to do nor is it, apparently, something that I am really into. What am I into? According to the top paragraph I am crazy into exercising. So much so I put my well being in danger multiple times so I can do it. I’m probably addicted to the hormones that get released during a workout. So what? Well, the college I am going to offers several fitness programs, including a Personal Training Minor which just about gets me ready to be certified by NATA, and there is also some Nutrition stuff. How much do I like science? Science in high school quite honestly has to be the biggest joke on science ever. Science in public school in general is a complete joke. But I did enjoy Chemistry and Biology except for the part where we had to dissect the frog. I could stand to learn about how the body breaks down nutrients for the next 4 years. I love writing, but I have been told I could do it on the side for years and I never wanted to, but it is time to grow up and stop living in fantasy land. The future is knocking on my door. My life is knocking on my door. As much as I would love to be poor so I have an excuse to not buy food, I should probably set myself up for a successful future. My grandmother has always told me to go into a medical field. She used to tell me to be a physical therapist, but I don’t want to listen to people moan about how their leg hurts because of their injury. I know it hurts, that’s why you’re here. To get it fixed. So personal trainer or even a nutritionist is probably what’s best for me. I can always write on the side.

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6 thoughts on “Let’s Get Real

  1. i say, do whatever you like to do! if you become a nutritionist or personal trainer and don’t truly love it, then your clients will be able to tell. i love your writing so i think that a good place for you, but that’s just my opinion of course 😉

    • Thanks. I really do love writing, but so many people that are close to me tell me not to and there really isn’t much of a market for creative writers anymore. At least I won’t be working a desk job that I hate if I pick either of those things.

  2. I’m a poor starving teacher, so I am the last one to give career advice. However, I do love your writing. If I was your parent, I would encourage you to do whatever energizes you. What do you look forward to when you are in the middle of something truly boring? That, to me, is what your career should involve.

  3. I have to stop reading this, because I get so sad, but Aja I really do hope that you can get better! And I think you can. You sound like a very determined girl, so use that determination to kick that nasty ED in the can. It could be the death of you, really, and that would be so, so, so sad for so many individuals, not to mention the world. I want to read volumes and volumes of your writing, which will only work if you stop depriving your brain of the calories, fat, and nutrients it needs to achieve and maintain true brilliance. Imagine if you spent all of the time & energy you do on your ED on writing – we’d have the next Fitzgerald, only better, on our hands. You would certainly *not* be a starving artist. I believe in you, Aja, please believe in yourself, too! College will be a much better, and much more productive, experience if you go in healthy. If that means you need a gap year to undergo intense therapy and sort this all out, so be it. If it’s a money problem (I know IP and OP treatments can be very expensive) please tell me. I’ll try to figure out a way to get a fund going to get you healthy. Aja, you are worth it. Please believe that! You can email me at livinglearningeating@googlemail.com, if you would like.

    I wish you the best.

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