I’ve Really Grown

Two years ago my mother took me to the doctor for the first time in 3 years. It was there that they determined I was going to die and needed to be hospitalized and sent to Children’s Hospital. Two years ago I became best friends and worst enemies with Ana.

Since then I have gained back the weight that I lost, lost some, gained it back, and lost it again, but never as far back as I was two years ago. Since then I have learned what it really means to be healthy and taken steps toward living a healthier lifestyle. I’m still transitioning from vegetarian to vegan. I know it will be a lot easier for me to eat vegan when I’ve moved out and have my own place and my own groceries to buy. I have learned that exercising every day for two hours of straight cardio is probably not the best idea.

I have made many improvements physically, but mentally I am still struggling. I don’t handle change well and I’m about to go through some of the biggest changes in my life over the next few years. These next 6 months are going to be jam packed with new things ready to take over my current reality and change my entire life. I still put my worth on a number. I think we’re just taught to do that. We have grades in school, we have salaries at work, there are points in games, and even food has numbers attached to them. My grades and my mother’s income determines how much money I can get for college, which isn’t enough despite the fact we have no food in the house. I’ve recently gained a few pounds and it is killing me. I want to lose them again. I want them to go away. I keep telling myself it’s probably just muscle, but a large part of me doesn’t believe that. I make everything about the future just sound awful when I sit down and think about it.

I have come a long way from two years ago, though. Two years ago I could almost kill myself for eating and I wanted to cry when they told me I couldn’t exercise anymore. Not that I listened. I threw temper tantrums in my mind whenever it was meal time and I had to eat something other than a piece of fruit or vegetable and a glass of water, but I still cried in my head when I denied myself that piece of cake everyone was urging me to have but I declined over and over again.

Today I find myself at a healthy weight, transitioning from a typical lifestyle to a healthy one, and transitioning from high school to college, and in a happier mood more often than I was two years ago. I may still be having problems with my depression and anorexia mentally, but I am able to push through most of them and do what I know it best for me and not what Ana wants.

Two years has gone by really fast. I am really proud of all of the progress I’ve made this year and how much I have changed as a person. Even though I can’t think about the future without getting upset to some degree, I know it’s going to be all right and I am really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to seeing where I am a year from now, especially in terms of recovery since in 6 months I will be 120 miles from home and on my own.

And of course, I have to thank my amazing boyfriend for sticking with me through all of this. He’s been my one support and I don’t think I would have made it this far without him.

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9 thoughts on “I’ve Really Grown

  1. There are certainly options out there for moving ahead… Mercy Ministries might be a good place to try if you find these transitions are causing relapse. Transitions ARE hard, and that’s a big trigger for me too. Try to find support however you can, and things that are “constant” through all of it, whether it’s family, friends faith, hobbies, whatever.

  2. You have had a rough journey so far, but I think that you have really come through much stronger. It is heartening to read about the changes you have made and your determination to keep a positive attitude!

  3. I really like hearing about how much you’ve progressed! The transition between high school and college is definitely hard, but I think you’ll do just fine. I think it’s tougher on people who really loved high school, because they feel like that was their ‘time’ or whatever but college is honestly way better.

    I’m excited to hear about your transition to veganism. I did the same thing, becoming vegan when I was on my own, and it was really easy. It was kinda hard convincing my parents it was okay, but they came around and are very supportive now.

    • That’s great that they’re supportive now. I’m excited to go into it full on. I love soy milks and when I get to have vegan entrees I love them, but I don’t get them often enough now.

      And I’m glad I’ve found high school to be a total pain cause it’ll make college seem SO great!

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