“I Need to be Thin”

(If you are sensitive to numbers than read with caution)

So, my week just went from completely shitty to pretty freaking wonderful yesterday! And, the weather was nice enough to take a walk again. I missed walking.

Anyway, I think I missed Eating Disorder Awareness Week, but I did post something about it on my tumblr! So I only missed it on my blog. Oh well. But I was thinking about it. I read a post somewhere by someone, I forget who, but they wrote a post about how your body cannot run on 635 calories just because you told it to. They wrote one sentence about who people with eating disorders have this overwhelming desire to be thin and all their comments were about that one sentence when she had already explained at an eating disorder is a serious mental disorder that comes from many things.

I get that a sentence like that can make people with an eating disorder sound absolutely horrible and shallow, but the truth is, we all do. The majority of people with an eating disorder wants to be thin, and that desire to be thin kills some of them and almost kills the rest of them. They don’t want to be thin because then they’ll look sexy and everyone will love them. No, they want to be thin because then that means they are worth something in their minds. Being thin can fill a void, and they do not know how to deal with it in any other way than trying to lose weight.

I know why I wanted to be thin. I had multiple reasons and those reasons still exist, I’ve just had to learn how to deal with them differently. I am extremely insecure. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now but I’ve always been concerned about him getting tired of me and leaving me. So, by being thin maybe he would stay with me because then I would be too pretty to leave, or something like that anyway. I feel like I can’t really do anything well but I can lose weight. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. I don’t know how my life is going to turn out in the next 4 years, but I do know how long it will take me to get back down to 95 pounds. Losing weight and being thin was something I was certain about, even though I still thought I was fat, and it made up for all of the things I lacked. It didn’t, really, but I thought it did and that made me feel better about myself, even though I would jump around and scream at myself if the scale told me something drastically different than the day before (drastic was like 1 or 2 pounds).

Yes, Anorexia and Bulimia and EDNOS and all those others are serious, horrible mental disorders, that come from many things, but that does not change the person’s desire to be thin. It does not make them sound shallow to say that because it is the truth. No matter what reason they are doing it for that does not change what they tell themselves they want:

“I want to be thin.”

Why do/did you want to be thin?

what are your thoughts on the subject?

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10 thoughts on ““I Need to be Thin”

  1. I hate to say this, but I enjoy it when people tell me, “You’re too thin.” Or, when they say they wish they were “little, like you.” Our media has pumped these up to be compliments, while the opposite extreme is never considered to be good under any circumstances. What I really want, is to just be healthy, and to never worry about my weight one way or the other.

  2. Scarlett says:

    Actually, I don’t agree that wanting to be thin is the driver behind most EDs. I believe that “thin” is an easy filler serving a larger purpose, and while it translates understandably to say “I want to be thin”, “thin” isn’t really what we’re looking for. If that wer true, we could stop.

    I was already “thin” and wasn’t actually trying to lose weight at all when my anorexia developed. It was about pushing myself, being stronger than human need, etc etc etc. It didn’t become about weight until I was evaluated and I saw how fixated my team was on the scale; at that point, I began to see weight as another evaluator of how “strong” I was. Even once weight became a factor, I wouldn’t say it was about “being thin”, but rather about “losing weight”. A number, rather than a physicality.

    Every ED is different. They’re motivated by a need to escape, a need to control, a need to stay a child, a need to grow up, whatever. Yes, they can be simplified into wanting to lose weight or “be thin”, but I strongly believe that is only the surface.

    • Which is exactly what I meant. It can be simplified into just “I want to be thin” and it is just the surface but there is so much more to it all underneath. Being thin is just a physical representation of what is going on in the minds of people with an ED.

  3. In the beginning, I wanted to be thin because I thought I was fat. But then it morphed the more the ED progressed…I wanted to be thin because it meant I was better than other people. I was more disciplined, and more in control. It also meant I was good at something, because I didn’t really feel good at anything but losing weight. Now I suppose it’s to prove I can…because for so long I’ve never been able to break a certain weight. It’s all about competition with myself, really.

  4. for me, i correlated being thin with being perfect. and i really did want to be perfect. so then i went on this quest to lose weight so people would look at me and think i had it all together. when really, i was breaking down every single night. i was miserable.

    and i don’t think you should worry about your boyfriend leaving you. of course, i only know of what you say on the blog but from what you have said, he seems like a great guy!

  5. I was one of those weird EDNOS cases that had no body image issues. I was just obsessed with being healthy, and according to magazines 1200 calories was healthy. Not for a growing girl! Still I can relate to wanting to be thin, because when people told me I was smaller it did feel good. In my opinion eating disorders have a lot to do with control, and they definitely are serious mental disorders! I hate when people say “eat a hamburger” – they don’t understand that eating a hamburger is like jumping off a bridge to a person with an eating disorder!

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