(If you are sensitive to numbers than read with caution)
So, my week just went from completely shitty to pretty freaking wonderful yesterday! And, the weather was nice enough to take a walk again. I missed walking.
Anyway, I think I missed Eating Disorder Awareness Week, but I did post something about it on my tumblr! So I only missed it on my blog. Oh well. But I was thinking about it. I read a post somewhere by someone, I forget who, but they wrote a post about how your body cannot run on 635 calories just because you told it to. They wrote one sentence about who people with eating disorders have this overwhelming desire to be thin and all their comments were about that one sentence when she had already explained at an eating disorder is a serious mental disorder that comes from many things.
I get that a sentence like that can make people with an eating disorder sound absolutely horrible and shallow, but the truth is, we all do. The majority of people with an eating disorder wants to be thin, and that desire to be thin kills some of them and almost kills the rest of them. They don’t want to be thin because then they’ll look sexy and everyone will love them. No, they want to be thin because then that means they are worth something in their minds. Being thin can fill a void, and they do not know how to deal with it in any other way than trying to lose weight.
I know why I wanted to be thin. I had multiple reasons and those reasons still exist, I’ve just had to learn how to deal with them differently. I am extremely insecure. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now but I’ve always been concerned about him getting tired of me and leaving me. So, by being thin maybe he would stay with me because then I would be too pretty to leave, or something like that anyway. I feel like I can’t really do anything well but I can lose weight. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. I don’t know how my life is going to turn out in the next 4 years, but I do know how long it will take me to get back down to 95 pounds. Losing weight and being thin was something I was certain about, even though I still thought I was fat, and it made up for all of the things I lacked. It didn’t, really, but I thought it did and that made me feel better about myself, even though I would jump around and scream at myself if the scale told me something drastically different than the day before (drastic was like 1 or 2 pounds).
Yes, Anorexia and Bulimia and EDNOS and all those others are serious, horrible mental disorders, that come from many things, but that does not change the person’s desire to be thin. It does not make them sound shallow to say that because it is the truth. No matter what reason they are doing it for that does not change what they tell themselves they want:
“I want to be thin.”
Why do/did you want to be thin?
what are your thoughts on the subject?