Not As ___ As I Think I Am

1. Smart

I have a 3.94 GPA, but none of those A’s actually mean anything. 2 of my 3 teachers lately have spent at least 10 minutes every class period to tell us all about what college will and will not do for us and given us assignments from freshman level classes in the subject they teach and I am beginning to realize I am not as smart as the schools have made me think that I am. It has been an entire semester and I am still only writing 6 level essays. Standards Based Grading made almost all of my CWP class pass with A’s except for the 4 that never actually show up to class, who of course failed. College is 7 months away and I’ve spent a lot of time rethinking it for community college. I can’t afford a 4 year university anyway, and my mom makes just enough money where I can’t get any financial aid other than loans but she doesn’t make enough to where I don’t need to worry about it. Besides, my A’s probably translate to C’s in a real school. My district has an extremely low success rate (though any administrators you talk to about it will try to deny it) and I always thought that I would be one of the few that would be successful but I seriously doubt that now. Who am I kidding? I’m not getting a college degree. I can’t write. I’m not as smart as I’ve spent the last 12 years of my public education thinking I am.

2. Recovered

I’m afraid I’ve taken a turn for the worse and I didn’t want to admit it on here, hoping it would go away but it’s been around for a while so it looks like I have no choice. I dropped some weight after my wisdom teeth extraction and I have really enjoyed seeing that low number. I’ve enjoyed it so much that I have been aiming to drop more. I can’t help but look at every bit of my body and feel the fat and scream and cry in my head to make it go away. When I was still in therapy my therapist asked me once what I did like about my body. I said my hands and my hair, neither of which can be affected weight very much. I know I will never be at peace with how I look or what I eat but I often wish I could. I know recovery takes years; as long as it took you to get into it. If that’s the case, I’ve got15 years left.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I’m hoping that if I do go to college things will get better and maybe it won’t be as hard as my teachers are stressing. I feel like I really just need to get out of my mom’s house and be on my own.


3 thoughts on “Not As ___ As I Think I Am

  1. So there’s two choices…you can do one thing for your recovery or one thing for your disease today…the more you choose recovery the less likely you will slip back. I know its hard though, I am the last person who should be giving recovery advice.

  2. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling so great lately with school and recovery. Honestly right now I’m struggling with school because I’m already ready for it to be summer and my classes this semester are really hard so it’s definitely been a challenge, especially since my GPA isn’t quite as high as it was in high school, but college is way harder so I shouldn’t be comparing anyway. And with recovery, I totally feel you. Seeing the number go lower makes me feel happy but I know it’s not what I really want for my life. Recovery is tough though, so don’t beat yourself up about slipping.

  3. Do NOT let people discourage you on the college thing. Seriously. I have been so frustrated lately with finding out that some of my former students got their motivation beaten out of them in high school. These are kids with potentially brilliant futures, but for some reason (probably because their high school is bigger than most colleges) no one encouraged them to get out there and look for education opportunities. Get the financial aid, even if it’s loans. I did the same thing (my parents contributed zilch to my college), and went to a private college with some scholarships, some loans, and a lot of work/study. It is SO worth it. I never, ever regretted it.

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