I have a 3.94 GPA, but none of those A’s actually mean anything. 2 of my 3 teachers lately have spent at least 10 minutes every class period to tell us all about what college will and will not do for us and given us assignments from freshman level classes in the subject they teach and I am beginning to realize I am not as smart as the schools have made me think that I am. It has been an entire semester and I am still only writing 6 level essays. Standards Based Grading made almost all of my CWP class pass with A’s except for the 4 that never actually show up to class, who of course failed. College is 7 months away and I’ve spent a lot of time rethinking it for community college. I can’t afford a 4 year university anyway, and my mom makes just enough money where I can’t get any financial aid other than loans but she doesn’t make enough to where I don’t need to worry about it. Besides, my A’s probably translate to C’s in a real school. My district has an extremely low success rate (though any administrators you talk to about it will try to deny it) and I always thought that I would be one of the few that would be successful but I seriously doubt that now. Who am I kidding? I’m not getting a college degree. I can’t write. I’m not as smart as I’ve spent the last 12 years of my public education thinking I am.
I’m afraid I’ve taken a turn for the worse and I didn’t want to admit it on here, hoping it would go away but it’s been around for a while so it looks like I have no choice. I dropped some weight after my wisdom teeth extraction and I have really enjoyed seeing that low number. I’ve enjoyed it so much that I have been aiming to drop more. I can’t help but look at every bit of my body and feel the fat and scream and cry in my head to make it go away. When I was still in therapy my therapist asked me once what I did like about my body. I said my hands and my hair, neither of which can be affected weight very much. I know I will never be at peace with how I look or what I eat but I often wish I could. I know recovery takes years; as long as it took you to get into it. If that’s the case, I’ve got15 years left.
Sorry for the depressing post, but I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I’m hoping that if I do go to college things will get better and maybe it won’t be as hard as my teachers are stressing. I feel like I really just need to get out of my mom’s house and be on my own.