Perfection

Pro_Ana

“I just want to tell the anorexic girl that you are beautiful because you’re a little bit ugly. You don’t have to try to be perfect…” –someone I really look up to

I turned bright red when they said that I’m pretty sure. They do not know that I am anorexic (anoretic, really) but as everyone else left they kept talking to me saying that some day I will find someone who will love me for everything, even the imperfections; all the little flaws. It is the ugly flaws that make me beautiful. It evolved into something about finding real love and how it bothers them when people say Romeo and Juliet is a great love story because they weren’t in love; how it’s a great infatuation story. Real love comes later when years have passed and you love and accept everything about that other person. Anyway, I started thinking, am I doing this for perfection? When I set my goal weights and look in the mirror am I thinking I need to lose weight to become perfect?

There is the saying, “I will achieve perfection,” that is all over thinspiration pictures and videos (see this post) that probably just answered my question. Yes, I am doing it all because I want to be perfect. I am doing it because I am flawed and I think that somehow losing weight so I am just skin and pure bone will make up for my imperfections: my insecurities and my poor math skills and my lack of drive for a real job and my lack of patience and tolerance and the way I snap when things go even the slightest bit wrong. Somehow being so tiny that I can fit into any space will make up for all of that and more. Somehow being so fragile will make people look past everything that is wrong with me and see only the perfect parts. They will see me as the tiny, fragile, perfect girl that I want so much to be and ignore all the bad parts.

So it is for perfection. But who decides what perfection is? Everyone has their own idea of perfection and I guess I know what mine is.

I’m not doing it entirely for perfection. It’s a mental disorder, I cannot stress that enough, so I was born thinking this way. I have not had the best childhood. I’ve been called worthless in so many different ways I don’t think there are any left. I am doing it so I don’t get abandoned the way my mom did.

So in recovery, one of the hard parts is rewiring your brain to perceive “perfection” as something with maybe a little more fat on the bones than what we’re born thinking is perfect. I don’t think I ever can let it go. I know I’ll never be fully recovered, and this is probably a part that will never go away.

i am starving for perfection

Questions:

What are your thoughts on “perfection”?

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10 thoughts on “Perfection

  1. I don’t think I do this to be perfect…I think that was part of it when I was younger; I wanted to be “the perfecr weight” with “the perfect body.” But that is when I thought I was actually fat. Now that I’ve grown up a bit, I can see myself realistically and know I am not fat. Now I do it, or at least I feel I do it, because I’d like to look a certain way. But then again, if I reach that goal, is that not my version of perfect? So I guess it’s a contradiction.

  2. My ED totally came from wanting to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect in every single thing I did: basketball, school, relationships, looks, anything. I thought that if I was perfect in every possible way, then I would be happy and people would like me more. Well, as it turned out, the complete opposite happened. I was miserable and people actually liked me less because I was so miserable. I still have trouble some days because I want that perfection. But then I have to remember that happiness is more important than perfection will ever be. Because really, what is perfection? Nobody knows. We’re all different in out preconceived notions.

  3. thevintagestylequeen says:

    “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” – Marilyn Monroe, I think this quote sums up how I feel on perfection it’s our flaws that make us beautiful and unique, trying to achieve perfection is a thankless task and when life is so short it’s better to focus on other things some times. Keep going with your recovery you’ll get there in the end.

    Beth 🙂

  4. I would agree that for some people it does stem from perfectionism of some sort, and as the comment above said, it can relate to anything – work, sport, body, school etc. People’s idea of the ‘perfect’ body will differ though, as I now realise. I suppose to some extent I did used to think thin would be perfect than what I had, but when I got there, it really wasn’t so perfect at all.

    I’m not sure how much of a perfectionist I am, I can be meticulous, and be annoyed and irritated if something doesn’t turn out as I thought it would, or wanted it to. Actually, now I’ve written that I think I am a bit of a perfectionist! Will be trying my best not to be one though, nobody is ever ‘perfect’.

  5. There isn’t really any such thing as perfection, apart from that found in IMPERFECTION. Look at a flower – isn’t it perfect? Isn’t it beautiful? And yet it isnt, it has flaws. It’s flaws make it what it is, too. We are the same.
    I don’t have my ED for perfection, never have. I have it because it’s the only way I cope with life being traumatic and hurting too much I guess. I did try to achieve perfection in ballet, but it wasn’t about what I looked like, it was about what I could do, and i think i would hate myself if I was perfect. I really do.

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