Lately I’ve been obsessed with Pandora.com and Tumblr which I promise to actually use as my main writing “blog” unlike what I said I’d do with this one… (see First Post in archive). On Pandora I mainly listen to Disney and songs from my early to pre-teen years because I’m too lazy to upload all of my CDs. Well, not lazy, just busy. But I keep singing to all of the songs and I’m wondering if I’m driving my family nuts. My brother gets bothered by basically anything I do so I know I’m bothering him, but I’m not too sure if I’m bothering my mom yet. Not that it’s my goal, anyway.
I’ve been thinking about myself lately as I tend to do every now and then and I noticed something I already knew but I’m more aware of it now. I am very competitive. When I took a gym class with my boyfriend I had to run faster than him and make my step higher than his and sweat more. I have deemed myself rivals of a few people at school that don’t even know I exist and a few that I used to be friends with. We grew apart, they don’t know we’re rivals either. If I hear about something they did better than me I get mad and think, “Oh, it’s on,” and then they’re my rival for like, I guess the rest of the school year since I’ll probably never see them again after high school. Like today in AP Art I was going through what everyone has turned in for inspiration and someone is doing body image for their concentration. I did eating disorders for mine last year and, darn it, her one picture that she has done is better than the 6 I did. Way better. That’s when I started really thinking about it.
I was competitive with my eating disorder before I found the online community, which is when it got even worse. I had to be better than everyone. I had to be thinner, which isn’t hard considering how much of America’s population is overweight. I had to eat less than everyone. If I did eat it had to be healthier than everyone. I had to exercise more than everyone. I had to work harder.
After getting my wisdom teeth and having no problems whatsoever other than the inability to open my jaw wide enough to fit a spoon inside for the first few days I had to post up how well I was doing on Facebook and also to tell just about everyone whether they asked for it or not. I realized part of it is because I’ve spent my whole life listening to my mom tell me that I need to suck it up because I’m made of “hearty German stock” and we’re strong people and how she doesn’t understand pain because it’s really not that bad and yadda yadda yadda. I was just so excited that for once I wasn’t the weakling daughter she’s always thought of me as. But the second part was the competitive part. Everyone I know had to take their pain pills after their extraction and were out for days if not an entire week but I was right back into it the next day. And everyone had to know that for once I was better.
I’m competitive because it means I’m not worthless when I “win” but it hurts that much more when I “lose”. If I can prove that I can do something better than one of my rivals, or anyone really, then it means that I’m not worthless. It means I can do something and my life isn’t a complete waste. But when I lose it just confirms that I am nothing; that I might as well just disappear because I’m not doing anything good so why stick around?
I know, I have a very twisted look on life. Until I can afford therapy I’ll just have to figure out how to deal with it.
Are you competitive like me?