Before I was informed that I was anorexic and would have to gain back all the weight I lost I was in love with dancing. I spent my entire weekends and most evenings after school in my room dancing to my music. I loved going to school dances in middle school. They lost their charm in high school. People don’t dance there. But after I was told I couldn’t exercise anymore I focused more on muscle building than dancing even though I wasn’t supposed to be exercising. I stopped dancing altogether eventually and I haven’t gotten back into it.
I guess I’m just not that excited about it anymore. I would spend 8 hours a day on weekends just dancing. My iPod was filled with dance music from almost all cultures. Did I only want to dance because it was a way to lose weight? Admittedly I did enjoy how my weight would go down several pounds at the end of the day after dancing all day.
I started dancing a lot in middle school when my parents were getting more serious about divorcing, so I could have been using it as a way to cope. I was stuck in the house with my father on weekends and dancing in my room was much more fun than sitting on the couch listening to him cuss at the football game and demanding I make him lunch.
But ever since my recovery started I have just not wanted to dance at all. I would rather sweat it out in a HIIT workout or kick boxing. The songs I used to dance to I don’t want to listen to anymore. I used to define myself as a dancer even though I’ve never had any formal training. I would teach myself, watching music videos and step-by-step lessons on YouTube. It’s a strange thing, but I’ve noticed a lot of things like that. I used to have amazing posture and now I just slouch all the time. I used to be always doing something and now I’m more content to lounge on the couch and watch television.
I know I can blame a lot of my health issues on my eating disorder. I most likely will never be able to have children now and thankfully that is the only thing I have “suffered” as a long-term result of my Anorexia. Other things aren’t medical but they do bother me a lot more. Where did my love of dancing go? Was it ever even really there?
Is there anything you really enjoyed before that you just don’t now?