Dancing Queen

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Before I was informed that I was anorexic and would have to gain back all the weight I lost I was in love with dancing. I spent my entire weekends and most evenings after school in my room dancing to my music. I loved going to school dances in middle school. They lost their charm in high school. People don’t dance there. But after I was told I couldn’t exercise anymore I focused more on muscle building than dancing even though I wasn’t supposed to be exercising. I stopped dancing altogether eventually and I haven’t gotten back into it.

I guess I’m just not that excited about it anymore. I would spend 8 hours a day on weekends just dancing. My iPod was filled with dance music from almost all cultures. Did I only want to dance because it was a way to lose weight? Admittedly I did enjoy how my weight would go down several pounds at the end of the day after dancing all day.

I started dancing a lot in middle school when my parents were getting more serious about divorcing, so I could have been using it as a way to cope. I was stuck in the house with my father on weekends and dancing in my room was much more fun than sitting on the couch listening to him cuss at the football game and demanding I make him lunch.

But ever since my recovery started I have just not wanted to dance at all. I would rather sweat it out in a HIIT workout or kick boxing. The songs I used to dance to I don’t want to listen to anymore. I used to define myself as a dancer even though I’ve never had any formal training. I would teach myself, watching music videos and step-by-step lessons on YouTube. It’s a strange thing, but I’ve noticed a lot of things like that. I used to have amazing posture and now I just slouch all the time. I used to be always doing something and now I’m more content to lounge on the couch and watch television.

I know I can blame a lot of my health issues on my eating disorder. I most likely will never be able to have children now and thankfully that is the only thing I have “suffered” as a long-term result of my Anorexia. Other things aren’t medical but they do bother me a lot more. Where did my love of dancing go? Was it ever even really there?

Questions:

Is there anything you really enjoyed before that you just don’t now?

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8 thoughts on “Dancing Queen

  1. that’s really interesting to think about…whether or not you really enjoyed it or just enjoyed it because of the ed. i used to loveee basketball in high school. it was basically my entire life. then i came to college (on a basketball scholarship) and i realized that i really didn’t like it anymore. i think i liked it so much in high school because i really had no social life haha. it was the perfect way to spend my weekends. but since being in recovery, i have become (a little) more social. basketball was taking up all of my time and i just really wasn’t happy with it anymore

  2. Besides eating without worrying? Yes. I used to be REALLY into dancing, too. I just did it for fun with my sisters in our garage, backyard, or with friends. I like to do it a whole lot more now than when I had my ED, because I did not have the strength to do Irish high-kicks and leaps. I was the best dancer, so I didn’t want to hurt my pride by showing everyone how poor of a dancer I was thanks to my loss of muscle from lack of eating.
    I also find reading not as enticing as what it used to be. I still read, but I would rather be DOING something.

  3. I used to do tap dancing and I never realized how much I liked it before I had to choose between dancing and netball because doing both of them were ruining my ankles. I loved tap dancing with all my heart, I did it for two years and sat three sets of exams before I was finally forced to give it up. I would definitely start again if I had the opportunity but now that I’m older I just don’t have time for it anymore :[

  4. Wow. That is a really, really good question. Eating is probably number one. I hate it now because I never know what is going to upset my stomach anymore. Interestingly enough, I used to HATE dancing, but now I kind of like it. As long as I’m not in a school gym trying not to embarrass myself.

  5. I used to love reading and playing video games, which makes me sound geeky but it’s true. I’d read for hours on end and only put the book down if I absolutely had to. I’d choose to read over sleep. When I was in the middle of my eating disorder, I lost interest in pretty much everything. I couldn’t focus long enough on a book, movies, or video games. Even when I got my health back, I just never really got back into reading and such, which is sad because it used to be such a big part of my identity. much love xxx

  6. You already know this, but its dancing for me as well. I never had formal training either. I think I feel too old for it now…I used to copy dance moves from britney spears and the thought of me doing something like that now just seems weird. Even though I’d like to.

  7. I used to be really into dancing too! I actually was in dance classes from when I was 3 until I was 14, which was when my eating disorder first started. Sometimes I miss it, but I know that I’m definitely not as good at it as I used to be so it probably wouldn’t be as much fun. I mostly really loved the dance recitals, with the costumes and makeup!

  8. I used to dance too! I tried almost every kind, ballet, jazz, tap hip hop, modern/lyrical. I did enjoy it but once ed hit I stopped and got more into sports and yoga. Now I’m mainly into Bikram 🙂
    I also used to play piano every day and do exams and recitals, and I haven’t touched my piano in a few years… strange how things just change.

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