My last post I wrote about being too busy to really notice how my body was looking through my altered eyes. About an hour after posting that I started thinking about it. I was more conscious about how my clothes felt against my skin and how I felt when I would sit or lounge or lie on the couch snuggled up with my boyfriend. I started thinking and feeling my stomach and looking and I just felt like I was fat. I tweeted to ignore my “good body perception post” and that I need to stop jinxing it because I almost always have a reaction like this when I realize and acknowledge that I am feeling good about my body.
I told myself to just let it go and worry about it later if at all, and surprisingly I did it. I did not feel bad about the delicious ice cream I’d had earlier that day and I didn’t feel bad about dinner. I got home, weighed myself, and shrugged it off. I don’t work out on weekends but I didn’t feel bad about my weight at all. What I saw in the mirror actually looked pretty good. If it were bathing suit season right now I would feel pretty confident about going out to a beach in a bikini. But it’s not (it’s snowing) so I don’t have to do that just yet.
I know that my eating disorder came out of a number of things, one being genetics and another being my experiences that caused me to have low self-esteem and think that my worth relied on a number. Another being my weight being the only thing I could control in a world and surrounded by circumstances I had no control over. But on top of my brain telling me that my worth is based on a low number on the scale the media helps me figure out what I should look like at what weight. What happened to healthy models?
It’s interesting. Why do people think that models need to be so thin now? What happened to people that look like Marilyn Monroe and the models from 40 years ago? I found old ads for products that promoted weight gain a while ago. Who decided that models have to be sticks?
Slowly now I am starting to accept my body as it is and I’m trying to focus on making my body healthier. I’m striving to become the best that I can be and working less on trying to look like some model in a magazine or on the internet.
I’m accepting myself slowly. I still have hard days but I have good days too.
What are your thoughts on the subject of modern models’ size?