Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. But right now I believe that it is. Before I started my recovery I had the biggest drive and the most ambition a person could ever have. It wasn’t just to lose weight and get down to my goal weight, but it was to be an A student and do my absolute best in everything I did. Since my recovery I’ve gotten lazier and lazier and lazier. I don’t sit up straight anymore. I am always slouching. I don’t tap my feet. If I get some homework I do it right away and don’t care about how good it is. In school I just get things done and say, “that’s good enough!” (not in all cases but most) I feel like through my recovery I had been taught that my goals were dangerous and/or pointless and therefore I have just given up.
I say this because today I was told I would receive a failing grade in my AP English Literature class. Mostly because of the new grading system that says a 6 out of 7 is failing and I cannot for the life of me get a 7, which is the other part of the equation. So I’m really upset about the whole thing and seriously considering dropping the class next semester AND changing my major. If I can’t pass a high school AP English Lit class, why would I expect myself to pass a college level English class? Or any class for that matter? I already can barely pay for it, if I’m just gonna flunk out then why even bother going?
I realized lately that this little thing called my life is going to be starting up really soon and I’m not so sure I’m ready for it. I don’t know if I’m ready to handle being out on my own, struggling to get a job, and struggling in classes because apparently I have no brain and cannot write a 7 level essay, which is a C in college speak, btw.
I used to be so driven. I wanted things and I would do whatever it took for me to get them but now I’m just not that way. It’s too hard, so why bother? My chances of it actually happening are slim, so why am I trying? Really I blame a bit of this on my recovery. Before, if I’d have lived long enough, I probably would have been able to pass this class.
It has not been a good Friday.