They Taught Me to Give Up

Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. But right now I believe that it is. Before I started my recovery I had the biggest drive and the most ambition a person could ever have. It wasn’t just to lose weight and get down to my goal weight, but it was to be an A student and do my absolute best in everything I did. Since my recovery I’ve gotten lazier and lazier and lazier. I don’t sit up straight anymore. I am always slouching. I don’t tap my feet. If I get some homework I do it right away and don’t care about how good it is. In school I just get things done and say, “that’s good enough!” (not in all cases but most) I feel like through my recovery I had been taught that my goals were dangerous and/or pointless and therefore I have just given up.

I say this because today I was told I would receive a failing grade in my AP English Literature class. Mostly because of the new grading system that says a 6 out of 7 is failing and I cannot for the life of me get a 7, which is the other part of the equation. So I’m really upset about the whole thing and seriously considering dropping the class next semester AND changing my major. If I can’t pass a high school AP English Lit class, why would I expect myself to pass a college level English class? Or any class for that matter? I already can barely pay for it, if I’m just gonna flunk out then why even bother going?

I realized lately that this little thing called my life is going to be starting up really soon and I’m not so sure I’m ready for it. I don’t know if I’m ready to handle being out on my own, struggling to get a job, and struggling in classes because apparently I have no brain and cannot write a 7 level essay, which is a C in college speak, btw.

I used to be so driven. I wanted things and I would do whatever it took for me to get them but now I’m just not that way. It’s too hard, so why bother? My chances of it actually happening are slim, so why am I trying? Really I blame a bit of this on my recovery. Before, if I’d have lived long enough, I probably would have been able to pass this class.

It has not been a good Friday.

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9 thoughts on “They Taught Me to Give Up

  1. i’m sorry you haven’t had the best day 😦 but don’t get down on yourself, really. this is just one thing in your life. that doesn’t mean you should just throw all your dreams out the window. you’re such a good writer. i love all of your posts because your style is amazing. so please, don’t take one class, and have it define your life

  2. Great post! Your comment about recovery teaching you to give up is very intriguing to me, as I often feel the exact same way. Before I was in treatment, I was driven, had goals, and knew I could accomplish them. I was successful, focused, and an overachiever. But now I feel anything but. Its like in order to let go of the eating disorder they asked me to lower my standards in life… give up what I was striving for. I could probably ramble forever on this, but just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel.

  3. I felt the same way after I recovered the “first” of severals times. I was angry all of a sudden that I had let go of everything. The way I looked every day, being messy and disorganized…. All those silly little things ED does “for” us in the midst of his antics.
    But at the end of your post you said something so important that I think you unknowingly gave yourself good advice. “if” you had lived long enough. You may be failing English but you are alive doing it. If u ever need help with English lit. Homework u let me know. I have helped many through that damn glass 🙂

  4. I’m sorry you’re having such a crappy day! But, like Haley said, don’t get too down on yourself. I can’t even imagine how hard your class must be! If your putting all your effort into your class and still can’t get that 7 (which, by the way, getting a 6 out of 7 is called failing? Who decided that? I think that’s pretty silly), maybe it would be best for you to drop the class. Like you said, why waste the money if you can’t pass the class?
    I hope your day gets better!! Go on Pinterest and look at the humor section, that always cheers me up 😛

  5. Don’t give up. Period. You are a great writer. These are the times that define true bravery and you’ve got to dig in and refuse to let go. If you give up, the guilt will haunt you. If you hang in there and give it your best, you will feel proud of yourself for at least going out with style. Show everyone that you refuse to be discouraged. It’s the best gift that you can give yourself, I promise.

  6. That’s ridiculous! You *can* do it. Recovery can be very consuming, and that’s why you feel like you’re getting “lazier” in other ways, but you’ll be able to achieve so much more when you’re healthy. And seriously, if that’s how they grade the class? Ridiculous. From what that sounds like, college english isn’t like that (even at Harvard). Listen to some good music, have a yummy snack, make yourself smile/laugh for at least a full minute and put those silly rules behind you. I’m expecting an awesome novel from you someday, you know!

  7. Kit-Kat says:

    This is hard for me to say….. but the reason why you are not feeling motivated and why your grades are not going as planned is because from lack of nourishment, the gray matter of your brain is declining. It happened to me, so I know. I used to have the highest grades EVER before my ED. I have not been the same after my ED, but it is MUCH better than what it was during.

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