Sundays have to be the worst days of the week. Mondays aren’t so bad. I mean, it sucks going back to school or work or whatever it is that you do after a rest but Sundays are bad because they are the last days of the break. But I had a good weekend and I have pictures to follow in the next post. Or whenever I stop being so busy and finally upload them.
I learned something about myself this weekend. I learned several somethings. One: I have an eating disorder. Now I’m not being stupid. I know I’ve had an eating disorder since the fall of my sophomore year in high school (oh my gosh it’s been 2 years!), but what I didn’t know is when it started. Last year I wrote a post called Based on Genetics or Media? which questioned whether or not eating disorders were based off of the media or if they were a mental illness. I was kind of stupid back then and I think I just needed something to post because it had been a while (maybe I should delete that…) because I’d said that it was a mix of both. I believe differently now. I realized something when I was reading over the first draft of my book about my recovery that I had planned to write but has been shelved. On my third birthday my dad decided it was more important to watch the football game than come out and sing his daughter “happy birthday” and watch her blow out the candles and eat the cake. My mom had sent me into the room to ask if he was coming out and he said no so I went out and my mom sang me “happy birthday” by herself and took the pictures of me blowing out the candles. There is a picture in our photo album of me in a purple velvet dress with chubby little baby arms and a bob and a fringe blowing out the candles on this chocolate cake with chocolate icing and little red flowers on it. I don’t remember that. I remember going to my dad’s room and asking if he was coming and I remember how much I hated the cake.
That was what I wrote about. I wrote about how much I hated the cake. Keep in mind that this is still in first draft: “ ‘Remember your 3rd birthday when he wouldn’t come out of the bedroom to sing you happy birthday and watch you blow out the candles and open presents?’ [Mom] asked. I didn’t, but I did remember not liking the cake. It was chocolate with airy overly sugary red icing flowers dotted on the top that made my teeth tingle and my throat dry. I remembered the colorful tubes of mini M&M’s that I rationed out to him with his morning coffee and called them his ‘Happy Pills’.”
Back then food was even something I thought about and worried about. I stopped eating meat after that and was a vegetarian until my freshman year of high school. I could be crazy and wrong but I think that choosing to write about and remember that specific incident with my birthday cake means that even back then controlling what I ate and how I felt about it was something that I turned to. At 3 years old! Now I could just be crazy (I woke up dizzy this morning and have kind of been that way all day so I might just be impaired) but I think that this is proof for myself that my eating disorder is 100% genetic. It is a mental disorder. The media only helps with the “motivation” but someone can’t “get” an eating disorder by looking at magazines of Photoshoped women. It’s something that is wrong with the wiring in the brain that causes it. I was born this way. I was born thinking that when something goes wrong to upset me I have to turn to controlling food. That’s also why I believe I will never be completely recovered. I will always turn to controlling food when something goes wrong or upsets me but what I have to learn is to turn to something healthy. You know, maybe something that won’t kill me?
So now it’s your turn to weigh in.
Genetics or is it all the media’s fault?
Am I crazy for thinking it started with that cake?
Also, I’m super crazy excited for the holidays! I already know what I giving almost everyone for Christmas and my mom bought all our Thanksgiving stuff the other day. We always go to my aunt and uncle’s so we just bring desserts. Pink pie and orange stuff! Yum…
Also, the next thing will come up later. I didn’t think this one would be so wordy.