It’s Been a Hard Month

So, I have to be honest with all of you. It was exactly a month ago today that my boyfriend moved away to uni and since then we’ve done pretty well relationship-wise. We make good use of Skype and talk every day. He’s come back to visit every weekend so far so I get to see him pretty often. However, since he left I’m not doing so well health wise. I’ve lost several pounds and cut out about half of the calories from my daily diet. I’ve kicked up the cardio and watched muscles that I worked hard to build up start to disappear. Something I hated so much about recovery in the beginning was it was like I wasted time and hard work which is what I feel like now with my muscles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my boyfriend was and is the only person that has helped me with my recovery from my ED.

I had no intention of telling him about this relapse. I noticed it about the second week into our LDR and then spent this last week consciously pursuing weight loss. I felt all the old patterns coming back. I could feel my mood plummeting because Ana was screaming in my head not to eat anything more but I wanted food so bad. I’d be around friends and just feel terrible when I knew I should be happy and having fun. I felt the hunger pangs and the way I would start to get tired when I’d just woken up. If I laid down I would almost instantly fall asleep. Losing weight and sticking to my restriction plan was in my mind almost all the time. It’s a wonder I got any of my homework done.

This past Thursday I was on the phone with my boyfriend and all I could think about was my weight and my eating. He’d asked me about how I was doing last weekend and by that point I knew what I was doing and was sticking to it. “I’m doing all right,” I told him. “Restricting a little bit, but in the end I usually eat it.” Lies. Why did I lie? Because, I told myself, he’s in college and finally getting to study what he’s always wanted to. He’s practicing and studying all the time. My eating problems don’t even have to be the last thing on his mind. He can worry about his studies and I will worry about my stuff. But on Thursday night I knew that I needed to tell him. At the same time I didn’t want to at all. So I kept hinting at it. Maybe if he asks me I’ll have an easier time with it. Eventually he did and I told him and then I felt the lowest I’ve felt since he left. I’d upset him but I still wasn’t going to stop. So Saturday I skipped breakfast because on Friday I had a large lunch followed by dinner with my boyfriend when he came back. I weighed myself that night and didn’t like what I saw. I was irritable all morning and I just wanted to go home which is not what you want to feel when your boyfriend comes back for a visit and Saturday is the only full day you get with him. My eating disorder came up again and this time I really upset him. He told me he didn’t want to lose me and if I kept doing this I would end up dead.

I had forgotten that I was important to someone. I forgot that my boyfriend cared about me as much as he does. He’s gone a lot now and I’ve had a very not nice past that has led me to be very insecure so it’s hard for me to do this and made it easy for me to forget that I don’t just belong to myself. I turned to my eating disorder because that’s all I know, but now I realize that I need to find some better way to deal with this. In the beginning I had gone into recovery for him and eventually it turned into something for me, too, but now I need to go back to doing it for him. Am I happy about it? Well, no. To be perfectly honest I was excited to get back down to where I was before I started recovering, maybe even a little lower, but that’s not really the best thing for me and I know that. So I’m stopping my restriction and going back to what I was doing before. Thankfully I haven’t lost too much for it to be something to be really concerned about. I just need to remember that someone cares about me and that I need to stay around, at least if not for me than for them. I could never hurt my boyfriend, he means so much to me, and I didn’t mean to with this relapse.

That being said, I’ve never tried almond butter and I want to. Any brand recommendations? (quite the mood change there.)

Questions:

Almond butter, yay or nay and brand recommendations?

Any advice for helping me get back on this? It’s tough being at home all the time, too because my mom doesn’t understand at all (more on that to come in the next post) and I kind of really just want to lose weight again. Yeah, it’s pretty bad this time.

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8 thoughts on “It’s Been a Hard Month

  1. you are so lucky to have somebody so lucky in your life. it is clear that he really loves you. i’m sorry things haven’t been good this past month 😦 i think that talking to your bf and telling him will help you. he sounds very supportive and that’s really what you need right now.

    p.s. congrats on the college decision!

  2. First of all, thank you for your wonderful comments to my blog. It is so nice to hear from you and other readers and know what you are thinking regarding to what I had to say.

    I understand what you are going through; I used to be the same way with Stu (who is my husband now) back then when we were dating, and we dealt a lot with my ED. Stu had been a huge source of support for me when I was struggling so much with my ED. Unfortunately, I relied on him a bit too much and every time when I felt I was let down or something had happened; I slid back a bit, and reverted to my old ways.

    Now I am finally on the right track to my recovery, and you know what I have learned from this? I can’t have Stu to make me “better” with my ED. I am the only person who has to do this for myself. Not him. Not my close friends. Not anyone else. Just me. I can’t let them become the reason why I do not eat well (long distance friendships/relationships, fights, or just missing them in general). I am the only person who treats myself in this way. If I restrict then it is because of me. If I don’t restrict then it is because of me. It’s choices I make. I can’t let others’ actions or situations determine how I eat or how well I treat myself.

    I do lean on my close friends and Stu as a great source of support…just in a different way, and in healthier way.

    I hope I am making sense of what I am trying to explain–sometimes I struggle to find right way to explain what is floating around in my head!!!

    XXX

    PS: Please delete other response that is if it’s still there–that was me but I forgot to log off under my friend’s name (she used my computer yesterday and forgot to log out of wordpress). 🙂

  3. I’ve felt the same way a lot this semester. I mean, I don’t have a boyfriend or anything, but I’ve been trying to hide my restriction from my parents, and it’s really hard because when I’m at school on my own it’s so easy to just let myself slip into it because no one cares what I’m eating but when I go home on the weekends it’s more obvious. I’ve been feeling like weight loss would be the best thing, but I know it’s not, for you or for me. I’m so glad you ended up reaching out to him and being honest about what you’ve been doing, and that he cares so much about you. He seems like such a supportive person, which is great!

    Anyways, a big YAY to almond butter! I love it, it’s soooooo good! My favorite brand at the moment is Archer Farms, which is from Target, but the Maranatha honey almond butter is also really good.

  4. It’s so hard to be in your usual home environment just because it tends to naturally trigger us. I can relate to that and i struggled for so long trying to change my mind about my environment. the thing that really helped was finding a way to just do it completely different from how i did before. and having a heart to heart with my mom and my family so that they knew i was changing and trying to be me- i had to fall and get back up on my own and they had to let me stumble. i hope i didnt go off topic too much and this relates to some of what you are saying. take care love. xoxo ❤

  5. I think you should keep writing. You are a good writer. In addition, I think that it will help you to sort out your feelings and to continue to try to recover. I have been where you are, and I think you are handling things much better than I did!

  6. livinglearningeating says:

    Please, please, please, please, please see a therapist! Please, please, please! I think you have so much potential (future best selling author, anyone?) and your boyfriend is right that an ED wastes that potential. If it doesn’t kill/paralyze you (which it very well might) the longer you suffer from an ED, the more likely you are to sustain brain damage. Maybe not on a huge scale, but definitely those few IQ points that might mean the difference between an amazing author and… not. Please get to a BMI of *at least* 18.5 (but your natural BMI is higher, then please that!) to optimize your cognitive function and not rob of the world of yet another promising young woman. If you need someone extra to talk to, I’m here – but please, get a therapist, too. It might not be fun, but in the end it’s worth it. Your health is worth it. You are worth it.
    Good luck. 🙂

  7. From someone who has started recovering and stopped over and over, before I made it for real, I’ll tell you this much. Friends have been instrumental. I couldn’t have done it without them. But friends can’t make it permanent. If you actually, really, truly are to reach recovery, you have to make that choice deep inside yourself to your inner core. Stop punishing yourself. Build a positive relationship with your body, where it helps you and you help it. Until you can find that serenity inside, you will be dependent on the people outside. And until you are whole inside, the behaviors associated with eating will continue.

    I did go to a therapist, and I’m glad I did. Because as you so beautifully describe, it’s not about eating. It’s about control and so many things that are emotional. And until you deal with the real problems, the symptoms remain. IT sucks. It’s hard. Excruciatingly hard, but I can promise the emotional freedom is worth it.

    ❤ from one who has been there.

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