So, I have to be honest with all of you. It was exactly a month ago today that my boyfriend moved away to uni and since then we’ve done pretty well relationship-wise. We make good use of Skype and talk every day. He’s come back to visit every weekend so far so I get to see him pretty often. However, since he left I’m not doing so well health wise. I’ve lost several pounds and cut out about half of the calories from my daily diet. I’ve kicked up the cardio and watched muscles that I worked hard to build up start to disappear. Something I hated so much about recovery in the beginning was it was like I wasted time and hard work which is what I feel like now with my muscles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my boyfriend was and is the only person that has helped me with my recovery from my ED.
I had no intention of telling him about this relapse. I noticed it about the second week into our LDR and then spent this last week consciously pursuing weight loss. I felt all the old patterns coming back. I could feel my mood plummeting because Ana was screaming in my head not to eat anything more but I wanted food so bad. I’d be around friends and just feel terrible when I knew I should be happy and having fun. I felt the hunger pangs and the way I would start to get tired when I’d just woken up. If I laid down I would almost instantly fall asleep. Losing weight and sticking to my restriction plan was in my mind almost all the time. It’s a wonder I got any of my homework done.
This past Thursday I was on the phone with my boyfriend and all I could think about was my weight and my eating. He’d asked me about how I was doing last weekend and by that point I knew what I was doing and was sticking to it. “I’m doing all right,” I told him. “Restricting a little bit, but in the end I usually eat it.” Lies. Why did I lie? Because, I told myself, he’s in college and finally getting to study what he’s always wanted to. He’s practicing and studying all the time. My eating problems don’t even have to be the last thing on his mind. He can worry about his studies and I will worry about my stuff. But on Thursday night I knew that I needed to tell him. At the same time I didn’t want to at all. So I kept hinting at it. Maybe if he asks me I’ll have an easier time with it. Eventually he did and I told him and then I felt the lowest I’ve felt since he left. I’d upset him but I still wasn’t going to stop. So Saturday I skipped breakfast because on Friday I had a large lunch followed by dinner with my boyfriend when he came back. I weighed myself that night and didn’t like what I saw. I was irritable all morning and I just wanted to go home which is not what you want to feel when your boyfriend comes back for a visit and Saturday is the only full day you get with him. My eating disorder came up again and this time I really upset him. He told me he didn’t want to lose me and if I kept doing this I would end up dead.
I had forgotten that I was important to someone. I forgot that my boyfriend cared about me as much as he does. He’s gone a lot now and I’ve had a very not nice past that has led me to be very insecure so it’s hard for me to do this and made it easy for me to forget that I don’t just belong to myself. I turned to my eating disorder because that’s all I know, but now I realize that I need to find some better way to deal with this. In the beginning I had gone into recovery for him and eventually it turned into something for me, too, but now I need to go back to doing it for him. Am I happy about it? Well, no. To be perfectly honest I was excited to get back down to where I was before I started recovering, maybe even a little lower, but that’s not really the best thing for me and I know that. So I’m stopping my restriction and going back to what I was doing before. Thankfully I haven’t lost too much for it to be something to be really concerned about. I just need to remember that someone cares about me and that I need to stay around, at least if not for me than for them. I could never hurt my boyfriend, he means so much to me, and I didn’t mean to with this relapse.
That being said, I’ve never tried almond butter and I want to. Any brand recommendations? (quite the mood change there.)
Almond butter, yay or nay and brand recommendations?
Any advice for helping me get back on this? It’s tough being at home all the time, too because my mom doesn’t understand at all (more on that to come in the next post) and I kind of really just want to lose weight again. Yeah, it’s pretty bad this time.