Lost my Cuddly Depression Pill

I was born with depression. I’m sure I’ve started a post that way before but I can’t remember which one and I’m too lazy to go through them all. I was a sort of happy child and things only got worse when the hormones kicked in at about 11. I’m insecure, emotionally unstable, a control-freak, I have OCD, and cannot handle stress well at all. That’s probably what caused my eating disorder but that is not what I’m getting at. Since I’m recovered by many doctors’ standards and am feeling pretty good about my body on most days my ED isn’t something I worry about too much anymore. But that doesn’t mean my depression is gone. You can write comments telling me things will get better concerning the situation with my boyfriend being gone and I appreciate it and I know it will get better, but I’m not just sad because he’s gone (although that is a big part of it). I’m sad because that is just how I am.

Before my boyfriend I was so used to pretending I was happy and sometimes it worked and I would be happy for a moment, but when that moment ended I was right back where I was before crying myself to sleep. This went on even before my ED started when I was 9. After we started dating I was happy most of the time. I had breakdowns and hard days sometimes but they weren’t everyday like they used to be. Just being around him calmed me down and cheered me up. I was relaxed and happy. Sad to say none of my friends have given me the same feeling. I can hide my sadness from them and they can make me laugh and smile for a little bit, but once they go home it’s done. My boyfriend was my big cuddly human depression pill.


So since the Boy is gone and I’m still dealing with some of the initial pain I’m also feeling the long-term symptoms of my once-almost-“completely-gone” depression I have to find new ways to get through the day. On weekends I can bake which completely takes over my attention. I have to make sure that I put in just the right amount of ingredients and that I don’t over mix and most importantly that it tastes good. On weekdays I have homework, which doesn’t completely help because it mostly just contributes to my depression because I just found out that I spent the last 11 years of my education learning how not to write an essay. Thank goodness for exercise because that is another thing that helps take my mind off of things and I always feel better after exercising.

Without my boyfriend I’ve been more prone to panic attacks and crying sessions but I’m still alive and I am still eating and a healthy amount. I’m sure as the year progresses I will grow and get better but for now I have to work on finding new antidepressants without actually taking more pills.

Okay, that was kind of depressing (haha) but I am okay and the rest of my life is going pretty well. It’s my birthday this weekend and my boyfriend is coming back for a visit so I am so excited that tomorrow is Friday. I hope your week has been going well and that you all have an awesome weekend!


Any “natural” antidepressant suggestions? Like an awesome recipe or activity? Greatly appreciated!


3 thoughts on “Lost my Cuddly Depression Pill

  1. I used to struggle a lot with depression myself. Thankfully it’s no longer such an issue for me anymore, but at one point it was so bad it almost completely took over my life. One thing that did help at the time was volunteering. I was working with a charity for underprivalaged kids at the time, and just spending time with them and trying to make their lives a little bit better helped me get my mind off my problems. Of course what worked for me might not work for you, but it’s an idea at least.

  2. I don’t struggle with clinical depression but I totally feel you on feeling depressed since your BF isn’t around. That’s gotta be hard to deal with 😦 I think exercising is definitely a good way to distract. Maybe try a new exercise class like Zumba or spin or something or just try a new activity on your own.

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