I have to admit this week has been hard. It’s only the middle of the week, and it feels like it should be later, but it’s been a difficult few days. My boyfriend out of his wonderful heart has been driving me to school at like 6:45 in the morning instead of sleeping in. I love that man. But, I do have to say goodbye to him knowing that there are classes I’m supposed to see him in that I will not be seeing him in anymore. He works from 10 to 4 now and school gets out at 2 which means I have to run to my bus like a freshman (I really need to drive) and don’t get to see him until about 5 for a little under an hour before he goes off to rehearsal for his play that’s opening this Friday. Oh, boo hoo, right? Well, actually yeah. We’ve been together almost 2 1/2 years and since our 3rd month together we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true. I hope I don’t sound like some stupid teenager here. My boyfriend has been my only support and now that it’s gone it is a little difficult to get around to eating and even exercising which makes me feel better about eating. I’ve had to give myself a little mental pep-talk every day before rolling out my mat to do pilates or lace up my shoes to go for a run or to eat my peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I do it, but not without difficulty and mental toddler fits of kicking and screaming in my imagination. I did that a lot when I started recovery and my boyfriend would croon at me to eat my snack. I didn’t want to kick and scream in front of him so I did it in my mind. It’s actually pretty satisfying. I’ve been pushing through the days. I want it to be the weekend. Partly because then I only have one day of school left (I dislike my district. Our last day is on Monday and it’s a half-day. Can you say pointless) and partly because then I can see him on a more regular schedule.
I have to just push through this though. There is no other way to do it other than just do it. I know that skipping a meal wouldn’t help me and neither would skipping a workout. I would just feel bad for skipping those things and then not want to get back into it and that would make me feel worse. It’s not a good cycle. The only thing I can do right now is to just go with my normal routine as much as possible. While things are changing so drastically I need to keep some normalcy in my life. I did figure out that this one year away might be good for me recovery-wise, though. I’m going to miss my boyfriend more than ever of course, but I’ll have to learn to stand on my own instead of letting him be that final push to eat. I’ll have to push myself. I’ll have to learn to take care of myself. That sounds bad; I take care of myself now, I’ll just have to do it even more come this fall. That way the next time he goes away for a while I’ll know how to cope with that and still keep up with my recovery. I can’t have him call me at dinner time and tell me to eat. I can call him when something is bothering me emotionally like if I’m stressed which I’m sure I will be, but not to have him nag me to eat the sandwich.
It’s not going to be easy, but I see now that it’s all I can do. Time will go by quickly. It always does. It feels like we just started this school year and already my boyfriend is graduated and I’m about to become a senior. Pushing through this is going to help me in the long run and so it’s what I must do. I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post. You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to write something, so thank you so much. Next year will definitely be interesting and a bit of a challenge, but I know we can get through it. One year is fast and it’s not even a whole year, more like 9 months. Well, here goes. Another day without the boyfriend. Wish me luck.