>This past week has been no doubt very difficult. I’m not sure what exactly has happened that changed everything so suddenly, but all of a sudden I hate how I look and I feel like exercising is pointless because I just have to gain weight anyway and I feel like my entire recovery isn’t doing anything for me. I cried today over food and exercise. I cry every time I exercise because I just feel like no matter how much I do I’m never going to be able to look the way I want and I am never going to be able to lose weight. Today, I had an apple and a glass of water for breakfast, was force-fed a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich, two yogurt pretzels, and a piece of chicken with a cobb salad for dinner. I cried after dinner because I wanted to have dessert but didn’t think I could. But, I had two straw sized cookies and I think I’m going to have two more.
This is hard. Recovery is hard, and I know that. I know it is hard, but I wish it wasn’t. I am just so tired of the eating disorder and I am so tired of recovery, but my boyfriend assures me that eventually things will get better. I am going to push through it and I am going to keep going with my recovery for my boyfriend because as he demonstrated to me today, he needs me to get better, and I need to for him. I’m going to hate myself for the next few days, but hopefully things will get better and I won’t hate myself anymore. How is it possible that one little number on the scale can have so much control over me? Why is that? I knew it was stupid, and I even said it as I was doing it, but I weighed myself about 5 times today. First was a few hours after breakfast and it told me 105, which made me freak out because all I’d had was an apple. After 20 minutes of areobic exercise, I stepped back on it and it told me 102. I know I need to just not step on it, but it causes me so much anxiety not knowing. I don’t know what to do, honestly. I weigh close to what I did when I was a freshman, and back then, I had senior boys fawning over me, but I don’t know. It’s that damn number! I guess I really, really, really have to try to not weigh myself and just go with it. I read a recovery blog recently where the girl just seems like she is at such a good point. She doesn’t exercise anymore and said she doesn’t gain weight even though she doesn’t. I’m still going to exercise, because I don’t think I’m at a point where I’d be okay to give it up, but I hope that I can get to a point where I can just be okay with what I eat and eat whatever the heck I want.
It is going to be very hard. It’s been almost a year since I began recovery, and for some reason, it’s gotten harder. I just hope things will get better.
I’m going to get going now because I’m being distracted by the Golden Globes and planning with my mom my trip with my boyfriend’s family this summer. Here’s to hoping things will get better.