>"Something’s wrong with you, really" -Finding Nemo

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No, seriously, there is something wrong with me, and I do remember what it is. . . I think. I’m not kidding, this is hilarious, but I cannot remember what I was going to say! Dory Moment! 

Okay, I think this is it: I cannot stop myself from thinking that I need to lose weight. Yep, that’s it. Onto my point, I weighed myself today, at the end of the day which is always a stupid idea, but I did it anyway, and I got angry even though it said what it usually does: 103 lbs. I just exercised and literally picked myself off the floor from doing ab work, and went to the scale and weighed myself. First, I stepped off the scale before it was done calculating and it threw 105.5 at me, which freaked me out because I know I didn’t have that much food, and then  it said 103, which was a little better, but not by much. Then I logged onto the internet and saw belly-fat articles on my homepage and read them, the whole time thinking about what I could do to get rid of mine. All of these thoughts, accompained with the usual voice in my head screaming at me that I’m too fat and that my boyfriend is going leave me unless I get skinny and how stupid I am, still mean that there is something wrong with me. I’m in recovery, I’ve started seeing my doctors every 1-3 months because they think I’ve made progress, but even I know that is a lie. Of course I know, I fabricate the progress so my family can stop paying the medical bills. Still, it’s been almost a year, I’m like 9 months into recovery (I could have a baby now if I had been pregnant when I started) and I don’t think anything has changed other than the facts that my weight has gone from 94 to 100 (almost 10 pounds, ugh, I could kill myself, but I won’t), I take way more pills now than I would like to, and sadly, food decides whether or not I’ll be happy today, still.

I don’t know why, but if I don’t eat a meal now, I go completely mental and cry and everything is just the end of the world. I used to be like that 24/7 when I started my new birth control to get rid of menstrual cramps that made me pass out, but then I took B vitamins and now I only feel like the sky is falling if I skip a meal. I never felt that bad before, not even when I was starting to restrict. It’s really weird.

Hopefully I can pull myself together soon and stop thinking I’m fat, but I know that isn’t likely to happen. I’m going to be stuck in this battle for years. I guess I’m ready for it, even if I don’t really want to fight it anymore.

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One thought on “>"Something’s wrong with you, really" -Finding Nemo

  1. >Hey Hun, I wanted to drop by and provide some words of encouragement. I battled for years with anorexia and it is not easy to recover…but it IS absolutely possible. I can relate to what you said about not being able to stop the feeling that you need to lose weight. I had the same problem. What I really want to encourage you to do (because it helped me SO much) is to get rid of your scale. I kept relapsing and never got truly serious about recovery until I put an end to weighing myself. DESTROY that sucker asap…it will be a huge step toward recovery.I see references to weight/size a lot on your blog and I have to be honest, it will be hard to recovery if you continue to focus on those things. I know it is easier said then done but you need to let your priority be whole body health (mental included) rather then your size/weight. Anyway, I am in danger of writing a book here so I'll try to bring this to a close. I hope you don't mind me providing you with advice and suggestions. I can see a little bit of me and my struggle in you so I thought I would offer what I've found helpful in recovery. Remember that you CAN do this. It may be hard at times but I speak from experience, every step in recovery is well worth it. Don't hesitate to come to me if you need advice or encouragement!Rachel

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