No, seriously, there is something wrong with me, and I do remember what it is. . . I think. I’m not kidding, this is hilarious, but I cannot remember what I was going to say! Dory Moment!
Okay, I think this is it: I cannot stop myself from thinking that I need to lose weight. Yep, that’s it. Onto my point, I weighed myself today, at the end of the day which is always a stupid idea, but I did it anyway, and I got angry even though it said what it usually does: 103 lbs. I just exercised and literally picked myself off the floor from doing ab work, and went to the scale and weighed myself. First, I stepped off the scale before it was done calculating and it threw 105.5 at me, which freaked me out because I know I didn’t have that much food, and then it said 103, which was a little better, but not by much. Then I logged onto the internet and saw belly-fat articles on my homepage and read them, the whole time thinking about what I could do to get rid of mine. All of these thoughts, accompained with the usual voice in my head screaming at me that I’m too fat and that my boyfriend is going leave me unless I get skinny and how stupid I am, still mean that there is something wrong with me. I’m in recovery, I’ve started seeing my doctors every 1-3 months because they think I’ve made progress, but even I know that is a lie. Of course I know, I fabricate the progress so my family can stop paying the medical bills. Still, it’s been almost a year, I’m like 9 months into recovery (I could have a baby now if I had been pregnant when I started) and I don’t think anything has changed other than the facts that my weight has gone from 94 to 100 (almost 10 pounds, ugh, I could kill myself, but I won’t), I take way more pills now than I would like to, and sadly, food decides whether or not I’ll be happy today, still.
I don’t know why, but if I don’t eat a meal now, I go completely mental and cry and everything is just the end of the world. I used to be like that 24/7 when I started my new birth control to get rid of menstrual cramps that made me pass out, but then I took B vitamins and now I only feel like the sky is falling if I skip a meal. I never felt that bad before, not even when I was starting to restrict. It’s really weird.
Hopefully I can pull myself together soon and stop thinking I’m fat, but I know that isn’t likely to happen. I’m going to be stuck in this battle for years. I guess I’m ready for it, even if I don’t really want to fight it anymore.