>All my life I have been plagued by many undesirable things. I have dealt with depression since who knows when, and became anorexic at the age of 12, anoretic at 16. Not to mention something known as insecurity, which probably either caused or came out of the previous conditions. I am an extremely insecure person. How do I even uphold a relationship? I have a wonderful boyfriend, that is how. But, seriously, I’m ridiculously insecure. Even after 20 months with my boyfriend I still hold things back from him because I am afraid that one day I will lose him to them. I have had trouble talking to him about my feelings and what is making me so upset on some days for a very long time. He has to pry it out of me and then I feel guilty for making him have to pry it out of me and then talk to me about it so that I will feel better when he has a very large abundance of things that he has to take care of. He doesn’t have time to talk to me about why I am crying when he has some much other stuff he has to do.
I just got out of a very depressing week. There were good parts. My boyfriend and I went out to see Easy A and then to dinner at Johnny Rockets where he kept quoting Pulp Fiction after we ordered our bacon burgers and milkshakes because the milkshakes were 5 dollars. I did not enjoy Pulp Fiction, but I did enjoy my boyfriend’s fascination with the $5 milkshake. That was the good part of the week. The bad part of the week happened on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Tuesday I admitted to my boyfriend my plans of relapsing once I was released from the care of the hospital and my shrink. We were in first period, and I made him cry. As you can probably guess, that is not my plan anymore. As much as I hate it, I am going to keep a steady, healthy weight for the rest of my life. Damn. Wednesday, I felt guilty for making my boyfriend drive from the mall we were at, back to our hometown so he could get money out of the bank because I didn’t have enough to pay for dinner, then drive to another mall which supposedly had a Johnny Rockets there, too, but once we got there, we found out it was closed and had to drive all the way back to the other mall. Guilt city, basically. Thursday night I cried over the phone while I was talking to my boyfriend because I admitted to him that I couldn’t talk to him because of more guilt that came from knowing he had more important things to do than listen to my cry and pry out why I am crying and then comfort me for it and a whole lot of other stuff that took about 90 minutes to cover. Maybe less if you subtract the time I took to put down the phone and cry. Friday, my bad mood from the night carried over and I was hating myself and feeling more guilt than I had ever felt in my life. I spent all day trying not to cry. I got angry at my boyfriend for losing something and called him irresponsible. He went to work after school and didn’t get off until 11:30. I planned on staying up and talking to him when he got off, as we talk on the phone every night, but I fell asleep, expecting my phone to wake me up. It turned itself off, so I didn’t get any of the calls my boyfriend sent me. He was feeling pretty low after a hard night of trying to scare people at our local theme park as one of their employees dressed up in some creepy costume and growling and then hating himself for not succeeding and making me mad and he just hated himself. I called him this morning when I got the sad message he left on my phone and cried, well, again. I’ve been feeling so low lately and so guilty and so insecure. I made my dad come pick up my little brother so I wouldn’t have to babysit him anymore and I could get together with my boyfriend, afraid that I was about to lose him. When he showed up to pick me up, he hugged me tight to him and just held me for a very long time. We treated each other like we hadn’t seen each other in over a week when it had only been a few hours.
Something kicked me out of the insecurity I had felt about our relationship then and I think that now I can more easily talk to him about what is making me sad and feel only a little guilty. I think the guilt overload kind of released me from a lot of the insecurity I had felt. I blame my dad for my insecurities. He left me and my mom a lot of times for other women and would live with them for extended amounts of time. He skipped many of my birthdays to see a girlfriend. I can trace a lot of my problems back to him, actually. But I think that now I have been knocked out of the insecurity thing almost completely. I mean, come on, after 20 months in high school and never once fighting, I think my boyfriend and I are doing quite well. I think I get it now.