>The Constant Battle

>They say that people (they being the doctors and so-called “professionals”) that anorexics will never fully recover from their disease. They say that we will always be haunted by the little voice in out head that reminds us that we are not good enough. That we will never be able to look in the mirror and fully appreciate what we see in our reflection. Something will always be there to haunt us for the rest of our lives, and that is our battle. It begins the first time we say no to food or purge it for the first time. It ends, ultimately, when we die.

I know I am another victim in this battle that is so common around the world now. I’m a victim of myself, it is my fault that I got this way. Every morning I wake up and take my heart rate. It used to be a nice 45 in the mornings and now it’s a 62. Maybe it’s because when it was 45, I didn’t wake up by alarm, but naturally. Now I can only get up if the alarm yells at me to in the mornings. I miss the 45. I used to spend at least 2 hours a day exercising. Now, it’s been a little bit since I got up and danced around my room or did eight minutes of an ab workout. I’ve been sitting in front of a computer and doing homework instead of skipping around and cleaning. I’ve gained a bit of weight. It is the fastest weight gain I have ever had and needless to say, I am not doing so well with it. I thought I was out of my relapse, but I feel now that it wasn’t a relapse, it was just how I am and how my life is and is going to be for the rest of my days. I will be plagued by hurtful words that come from my own mind for the rest of my life. It is a constant battle, but I’m going to go in with armor on. There will be, like in most battles, days when I am defeated, but I hope that in the end, I win.

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