>Birthday Cake

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It’s the middle of August just about and a lot of people I know have birthdays coming up. Okay, like 4 in this month, but to me that is a lot. Today I am going to my friend’s birthday party and I have to say I am excited. It’s a sleepover and I have not seen any of my friends other than my boyfriend since about the last day of school. I love spending time with my boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but I hear that I need to be more social. So says my therapist, so we’ll see how it goes. After that, just in about 2-3 days from now is my boyfriend’s birthday and he has a nice celebration planned with his family and I was of course invited along. After that is my little brother’s birthday and while he doesn’t like cake, it gives my mom an excuse to eat some, so we’ll probably have some. I have about 3 plus slices of birthday cake and ice cream ahead of me and I am not all that thrilled. In fact, it almost prevented me from accepting the invitation to both my friend’s birthday and my boyfriend’s. I thought, “well, I can stay just until they bring out the cake and then I’ll tell them I have to leave.” I could still do that, really, or fake being sick.

It’s funny to think about it. About a year ago on my own birthday, one of my friends made me a birthday cake and delivered it to me at school (the picture above is of the cake). I had to carry around a cake all day. After school we had drama club auditions for our fall show and while I wasn’t trying out, I did hang with everyone because they were my friends back then (since then there has been a lot of the other kind of drama and I don’t really spend time with them anymore). One of my friends and I sat down, in the hall behind our theatre with everyone else and ate the entire cake just the two of us. I went to my birthday dinner after that and ate pretty much all of it. I can’t even eat a slice of cake now without feeling guilty and bad about my weight. Yes, the cake did bother me a little bit that day, but afterward I didn’t seem to feel the need to go run three miles and not eat for three days afterward.
I don’t understand why food continues to frighten me. Why that fear still fights to control my life. I think it was good that I was strong enough to accept the invitations and that I plan on having fun and eating the cake and ice cream and whatever junk they’ve got and not doing a thing to my diet and exercise to make up for it. We’ll see how that goes.

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