>Not Surviving 100

>Yes, yes, surviving 100 is not going well at all. Thank goodness I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so that I can go and complain about how recovery is not treating me well at all. My stomach cannot get used to larger amounts of food and I spend most days feeling sick after eating more than about 150 calories a meal. Snacks do not work for me either. Even though they are spaced out, I still feel sick. Since my exercise has been cut back, more by the heat than the doctor’s orders (in the Spring when this all started, I exercised just as much as I always did even though all exercise was restricted), I am so tired. When I would exercise twice a day for about 90 minutes each session, I had so much more energy than I do now. Instead I am lying down feeling sick to my stomach which also makes a lot of forms of exercise hard. So, 100 lbs is not treating me well at all. I know, these things take time, but I have been feeling ill after a meal for about two-three months now. I do not think it should take this long!
I am impatient, I know, so sue me. Not only is my body hating me for recovery, but so is my mind. I have these constant arguments going back and forth in my head. One in on how I look, the other is on recovery. #1: “You’re getting fat, what happened to all your hard work? You worked for forever to get away from 100 and now here it is, staring you in the face in about half the time it took you to lose it!” “Shut up, you look good. You can barely even tell.” “You’re kidding, right? It’s right there! On your stomach and your thighs and your ass! It’s right in front of you just like that number!” “But it looks good.” “No it doesn’t.” “Shut up.” “Make me!”
Obviously, the negative side is winning.
#2: “You know you should recover.” “But I don’t want to. My body doesn’t want to, I don’t want to, why should I?” “People.” “Well, people can deal.” “I mean people who love you.” “Don’t bring them into this, it’s my decision. My body, my mind, my decision.” “What about your boyfriend?” “…” “He cares about you.” “I don’t want to do this.” “What about him? What about your family and the money they are paying in medical bills now for this.” “I didn’t ask them to.” “but they are.” “Because they freaked out and took me to the hospital.” “So, you want to get out, don’t you?” “Of course I do.” “then get better.” “It hurts, in more ways than one.” “Just do it.” “I can’t.” “You won’t.” “Right.” “Come on.” “…”
I don’t really know which side is winning with this one.
Basically, surviving 100 could be made into a stupid reality tv show with all the drama I am going through in my mind. If we could just take the people from those arguments in my head and make them real, then you’d have your show and housewives all across America would tune in to watch because they have nothing better to do.


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